I'm seven months pregnant today, and it's so odd to be in a place that I've dreamed about and longed for for so long. I love this boy so much already and I love that he is mine and I love that he is Felipe's and I love that there will never be another person just like him, even if Felipe and I made 100 babies. And I'm getting so antsy for him to be born. I want to hold him and squeeze him and kiss his little cheeks and pinch his chubby thighs and just marvel in the miracle of his existence. I feel like I'm the first person in the world to have ever been in love. And I just love having this little buddy with me all day. I love feeling him move and complaining to him about his constant squirming. And I love the terror I feel about squeezing his massive body out of my tiny down-under. And I love it all because he is my child and Felipe's child and we get to raise him and love him together. A family is such an amazing, sacred thing and the more I digest the important role Felipe and I will play as parents, the more I understand why Satan is working so hard to break families down. I know it's not going to be all fun and roses and I'm so nervous that I'll fail him as a mother, but there is so much joy in being a family, and things don't have to be easy for them to bring you joy.
On to other matters, here's a riddle for you that I just accept but really blows Felipe's mind: I'm considered seven months pregnant today, am due three months from last Tuesday, but won't actually be physically pregnant for nine months until February 1st, even though I'm due January 22. Who said that women are pregnant for nine months? I'll be considered full term at 37 weeks on January 1st, but will have been actually pregnant for only and exactly 8 months on that day. No wonder babies are never born on their due dates; we keep changing the dates on them and I think they just don't know when to come out. Depending on how you calculate it, a full term woman is pregnant anywhere from 8-10 months (I'll take the 8, thank you).
I know it's been two long months since my last post and a lot has changed. Number one change is these darn fake contractions. If I had to guess, I'd say this baby is going to come early (which would be ok with us). Any time I walk around for more than a few minutes (for example: grocery shopping) Braxton-Hicks comes calling. I never get them sitting down so it's a good thing I have a desk job. I guess it's ok I'm getting a lot of these contractions now because I only plan on having a handful of real contractions during labor before baby comes out...wouldn't that be nice?
The newest development is regarding insurance. Bleh! I'm still on my Dad's insurance, which has been great, but I turn 26 in a week and a half and reach the age where one is suppose to be independent insurance-wise. With all the fancy fertility bills (which we'll still be making payments on after baby is actually born, hopefully his cute face will make it easier to send off those checks) I've already hit my deductible for the year. It seemed like a bit of a mean trick for baby to be due just a few months after my insurance ran out and I'd have to switch to Felipe's and start over on the deductible. However, I just learned that my Dad's insurance will cover me until Jan 1 2014. Just 22 days stand between paying a butt load for the birth and paying a comparative pittance. 22 days! I'd much rather not be making concurrent payments for the child's conception and birth so fingers crossed for a December 30th baby! Yes, yes, of course his health is most important. But if he's going to be just as healthy at 37 weeks as he will be at 40, I'll take the 37 weeks and save that money. Especially since we'll be going down to one income when the baby's born and I quit my job (which is stressful in and of itself).
All in all, this pregnancy is going great. We're getting ready to paint his room, all of his beautiful little socks are in his drawer waiting for him, and the baby shower is under way. Here's to smooth sailing from here on out!
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Spotting is Scary
One of my biggest fears is that I will become a hypochondriac; don't worry about the logic behind a fear of becoming overly fearful. More accurately, I'm afraid people will view me as a hypochondriac. On Monday I was at work when I realized I had started spotting. Of course my first concern was about the baby and then I was concerned about what the clinic would think about me if I called in and asked them if this was normal. I also don't like people knowing that sometimes I just don't know things. I was pretty sure I shouldn't be concerned but of course I was still scared because this is my first time and I really don't know anything. I clocked out of work and went outside to call the clinic (because I'm sure my coworkers did not want to hear about the blood on my underwear...odd) and the secretary told me the nurse would call me right back. And then I waited for 40 minutes, which was great. I haven't bled at all my entire pregnancy, not even really any implantation spotting. The nurse told me it was probably fine but I could go in to check the baby if I wanted. Since she wasn't concerned I convinced myself that I wasn't either, and decided to wait until my appt on Wednesday. And then I called Felipe but he was teaching a class and couldn't answer. I was a little glad he didn't answer because I'm sure I would have burst into tears. Sometimes being scared is hard. And then I went back to work and acted normal and pretended I wasn't secretly going to the bathroom every five minutes to check my pants. Oh son, why do you have to worry me already? This really was not a big deal and I have been so blessed in this pregnancy to be really healthy. And I think this was really hardest for Felipe because he was teaching a class and trying to surreptitiously text me at the same time and just so worried. I was sorry to have worried him but it was so sweet to see his concern.
I did have my regularly scheduled appointment with a midwife yesterday (which was not a great visit, but for other reasons) and the baby's heartbeat was great. And no spotting since. Hopefully that was a one time fluke. I also secretly think that the clinic didn't believe me when I told them we hadn't had sex in the last few days. That was the first question both the nurse on Monday and then the midwife on Wednesday asked me and when I answered no they both paused a minute and then said something along the lines of "well, it's really common to have a little bleeding after intercourse, so I wouldn't be concerned". It is just so great not to be believed. But baby is fine and that's what's important. Let's keep the scary things in the past!
I did have my regularly scheduled appointment with a midwife yesterday (which was not a great visit, but for other reasons) and the baby's heartbeat was great. And no spotting since. Hopefully that was a one time fluke. I also secretly think that the clinic didn't believe me when I told them we hadn't had sex in the last few days. That was the first question both the nurse on Monday and then the midwife on Wednesday asked me and when I answered no they both paused a minute and then said something along the lines of "well, it's really common to have a little bleeding after intercourse, so I wouldn't be concerned". It is just so great not to be believed. But baby is fine and that's what's important. Let's keep the scary things in the past!
A Boy's Story is the Best That is Ever Told
I know my blog is behind the times and most everybody knows that we are having a boy, but I love my boy and I love his story so I wanted a post just for announcing and re announcing and then proclaiming: We are having a son! The title of this post is a quote from Charles Dickens and the sexism slightly grates on me but I will send it to the back of my mind and just enjoy it. Some of Dickens' books I can't stand. I have tried so many times to read Hard Times and just can't get through it. Oliver Twist made me so emotionally distraught that I ended up throwing the book across the room...and then picking it up again and reading the last chapter just so I knew it would end up ok. But Great Expectations is one of my favorite books and I thought it fitting to use a Dickens quote for the title since we are (most likely) naming our son Phillip. Phillip is after Felipe, not after a neglected and abused little boy, but I still like the idea that one of my favorite books is being embodied through something that we created.
We had the gender check on the last day of my 15th week. I was nervous that it would be too early to see anything but the ultrasound was beautiful. The baby was relaxing the whole time with his legs propped up and his arms behind his head and when the tech showed us his little weiner Felipe and I both teared up. We also saw the heart pumping blood and could see his little developing brain. We have the ability to create another human body with our own human bodies and I don't think this gets the fanfare and respect it deserves. When I stop to think about it it awes me. We are thrilled to be having a boy, but I was still a little sad for the girl who could have been. I think I would have felt the same way either way.
We had the gender check in the middle of my family reunion so we were able to announce to almost the whole family at the same time what we were having. I had prepared a bunch of craft sticks before hand with mustaches and bows at the top and then colored the bottom tips green, which were then hidden in little pebbles. On the count of three everybody drew a stick and they all found out together. A son! Felipe is already talking about when he can watch soccer games with him and I just love it. e. e. cummings wrote that "the world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful" and that is the world that I cannot wait to introduce to my son.
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| That mark by his leg is his umbilical cord, not his man part. Don't be alarmed. |
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| I cannot make things look cute, but that doesn't stop me from having a good time trying! |
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
2 Servings of 2nd Trimester Next Time, Please, and Hold the First
Depending on which pregnancy app I go by my 2nd trimester either starts tomorrow or started last week. Either way, I am loving it. It's so refreshing to want to eat again and I'm amazed every day at how much better I feel when I can actually eat. No more headaches? Great. Energy? I'll take it. And it's an added bonus that I'm no longer ready to vomit at the smell of the lunch of somebody sitting two rooms away. Why does smelling have to be enhanced when you're pregnant? Why can't we have super vision instead? I'm really getting into the grove of being pregnant now and I can really sport the hair-tie-holding-your-pants-up fashion statement. I haven't gained any weight yet, not even one pound, but my pants are so tight that I'm only comfortable when I use a hair tie through the button-hole. And this is definitely cheaper than maternity clothes, although maybe not the most stylish.
I finally found a provider for my pregnancy, which is no small feat since my insurance is switching in November and I had to find a provider who would take both insurances. Unless I end up hating their guts after a few appointments, I'm going to go with the midwives at the Central Utah Clinic and plan on delivering at American Fork Hospital. I'm going to call them tomorrow to set up my first appointment. I feel like this is going to make my pregnancy real. Bring it on! I'm not too happy about delivering at American Fork because my greatest desire (ok, besides having a healthy baby) is to give birth at a birthing center. Everything about them just appeals to me and there's even one close to my home that I like. But my gut is saying no so I'll go with my gut. Maybe it'll work out for baby number two. What appeals to me about American Fork Hospital is they have external fetal monitors so I don't need to be hooked up and confined to the bed during labor and they have been rated one of the best hospitals in my area to go natural. They also have jacuzzi tubs (surprise! I'm a bit hippie) and I'm all for relaxing my body and easing the pain (sans drugs). With a birthing center you can go home hours after birth, which is what I want, but I may need to eat that desire with a hospital birth. I'm just going to have to remind myself that the end goal is a healthy baby and in the great scheme of things an extra day at the hospital or a redundant PKU is not going to ruin my child nor my life. My goal, though, is to get in, get out, and live happily ever after.
As for the gender, we're going to just pay $25 at a nearby clinic and have a gender ultrasound in two weeks. If baby is too shy at 16 weeks then we'll just pay again and go the next week. I feel like this is a great deal.
My only complaint these last few weeks is that my metabolism seems to be all screwed up. I've always been one who's had to snack throughout the day to keep myself going but now I have to be CONSTANTLY snacking to stay comfortable. The other day I told Felipe that I was so hungry that I was starting to sweat and I was surprised that he was surprised; I definitely thought that was normal. If I go longer than 45 minutes without a snack I go shaky and sweaty, which is really starting to be a pain. And you would think my body would be considerate enough to give me a gradual build up to hunger but no, hunger will come out of nowhere and hit me like a freight train. I'll be just fine and then bam-I'll be almost doubled over with hunger pain. It is really so much fun. I would still take this over the nausea, though. And also over not having a baby. I just can't imagine what it'll be like when the baby is big enough to take all my food. I will probably be big as a blimp with all the food I'll have to eat.
Fun fact: baby is now developed enough to pee inside my uterus. So that's great. Everyone says it's so wonderful to feel their baby move but I'm actually not looking forward to that. I feel like I have some sort of parasite inside of me and the thought of feeling it move creeps me out. And I'm not even going to dwell on the peeing.
We have our favorite boy and girl names picked out and in two short weeks we will hopefully know which name will be gracing our child.
Farewell, nausea. Second trimester, I love you.
I finally found a provider for my pregnancy, which is no small feat since my insurance is switching in November and I had to find a provider who would take both insurances. Unless I end up hating their guts after a few appointments, I'm going to go with the midwives at the Central Utah Clinic and plan on delivering at American Fork Hospital. I'm going to call them tomorrow to set up my first appointment. I feel like this is going to make my pregnancy real. Bring it on! I'm not too happy about delivering at American Fork because my greatest desire (ok, besides having a healthy baby) is to give birth at a birthing center. Everything about them just appeals to me and there's even one close to my home that I like. But my gut is saying no so I'll go with my gut. Maybe it'll work out for baby number two. What appeals to me about American Fork Hospital is they have external fetal monitors so I don't need to be hooked up and confined to the bed during labor and they have been rated one of the best hospitals in my area to go natural. They also have jacuzzi tubs (surprise! I'm a bit hippie) and I'm all for relaxing my body and easing the pain (sans drugs). With a birthing center you can go home hours after birth, which is what I want, but I may need to eat that desire with a hospital birth. I'm just going to have to remind myself that the end goal is a healthy baby and in the great scheme of things an extra day at the hospital or a redundant PKU is not going to ruin my child nor my life. My goal, though, is to get in, get out, and live happily ever after.
As for the gender, we're going to just pay $25 at a nearby clinic and have a gender ultrasound in two weeks. If baby is too shy at 16 weeks then we'll just pay again and go the next week. I feel like this is a great deal.
My only complaint these last few weeks is that my metabolism seems to be all screwed up. I've always been one who's had to snack throughout the day to keep myself going but now I have to be CONSTANTLY snacking to stay comfortable. The other day I told Felipe that I was so hungry that I was starting to sweat and I was surprised that he was surprised; I definitely thought that was normal. If I go longer than 45 minutes without a snack I go shaky and sweaty, which is really starting to be a pain. And you would think my body would be considerate enough to give me a gradual build up to hunger but no, hunger will come out of nowhere and hit me like a freight train. I'll be just fine and then bam-I'll be almost doubled over with hunger pain. It is really so much fun. I would still take this over the nausea, though. And also over not having a baby. I just can't imagine what it'll be like when the baby is big enough to take all my food. I will probably be big as a blimp with all the food I'll have to eat.
Fun fact: baby is now developed enough to pee inside my uterus. So that's great. Everyone says it's so wonderful to feel their baby move but I'm actually not looking forward to that. I feel like I have some sort of parasite inside of me and the thought of feeling it move creeps me out. And I'm not even going to dwell on the peeing.
We have our favorite boy and girl names picked out and in two short weeks we will hopefully know which name will be gracing our child.
Farewell, nausea. Second trimester, I love you.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Double Digits!
Ten whole weeks! I'm in the double digits and a fourth of the way done. What a great week! Although I'm ready to just have my baby here now. Everybody says to just enjoy being pregnant...what's not to enjoy about constant fatigue, nauseu, and random and sporatic pain? I'll just take the baby, thank you. I'm hoping the second trimester is as good as everyone says.
I had an ultrasound last Thursday that I've been meaning to post about but we were moving Thursday, Friday, and all day Saturday and then we didn't have internet until Monday. But life is getting more settled again so here we go: the ultrasound was fantastic! I also hope it was my last transvaginal ultrasound; I'm ready for the machine going over my stomach, thank you very much. My doctor (who I've only actually seen once) was on maternity leave so I saw Dr. Foulk. I wasn't really looking forward to him doing the ultrasound but he was so friendly and nice and professional that I didn't really care. I think it just made Felipe uncomfortable that it was a man this time haha. We got to see the little thing squirming about and then he was kicking his leg all the while. It was so fun to watch him move. The dr asked me who my OBGYN was which is a bit of a problem since I don't have one yet. I have decided that I want a midwife but I'm still switching sides on whether I'll deliver with a midwife in a hospital or go to a birthing center. I really didn't think the dr would go for that so I somewhat reluctantly told him I wanted to go with a midwife but didn't have one yet and I was pleasantly surprised by his reaction. He gave me the name and phone number of a midwife he recommended and told us which hospital she'd deliver at based on our insurance. He was really helpful and I was really grateful. I was also relieved that he didn't try to make me feel dumb for wanting a midwife, which was refreshing. I still need to call her but don't really feel much of a rush since there's not much anyone can do about baby yet. There doesn't seem to be much point until I'm further along.
I love the picture we got at the ultrasound. He looks like a stubby little gummy bear with T-rex arms that aren't good for anything. Enjoy!
I had an ultrasound last Thursday that I've been meaning to post about but we were moving Thursday, Friday, and all day Saturday and then we didn't have internet until Monday. But life is getting more settled again so here we go: the ultrasound was fantastic! I also hope it was my last transvaginal ultrasound; I'm ready for the machine going over my stomach, thank you very much. My doctor (who I've only actually seen once) was on maternity leave so I saw Dr. Foulk. I wasn't really looking forward to him doing the ultrasound but he was so friendly and nice and professional that I didn't really care. I think it just made Felipe uncomfortable that it was a man this time haha. We got to see the little thing squirming about and then he was kicking his leg all the while. It was so fun to watch him move. The dr asked me who my OBGYN was which is a bit of a problem since I don't have one yet. I have decided that I want a midwife but I'm still switching sides on whether I'll deliver with a midwife in a hospital or go to a birthing center. I really didn't think the dr would go for that so I somewhat reluctantly told him I wanted to go with a midwife but didn't have one yet and I was pleasantly surprised by his reaction. He gave me the name and phone number of a midwife he recommended and told us which hospital she'd deliver at based on our insurance. He was really helpful and I was really grateful. I was also relieved that he didn't try to make me feel dumb for wanting a midwife, which was refreshing. I still need to call her but don't really feel much of a rush since there's not much anyone can do about baby yet. There doesn't seem to be much point until I'm further along.
I love the picture we got at the ultrasound. He looks like a stubby little gummy bear with T-rex arms that aren't good for anything. Enjoy!
Monday, June 10, 2013
Baby Portus, I love you already.
Ultrasound #1 is in the bag. And there's a real baby there! It's truly there. When the tech started the ultrasound I kept trying to spot two little babies in there but there is just the one. And honestly, I'm thrilled. Just to have it healthy and growing tickles me pink. I was a little disappointed that I wasn't having twins, but it's the kind of disappointed where you get a $20 Barnes and Noble gift card instead of $25. You're still thrilled and just have to remind yourself not to get greedy.
The ultrasound tech was so super nice and also happy with us. She pointed out little baby's flashing heart (which I honestly couldn't really see, although Felipe and the tech could-lame) and then she turned on the sound and we got to listen to the little heart. Could anything be more miraculous? I can't even imagine all the complex things that have to go perfectly for a new, living person to be born, and yet it happens all the time. No better evidence for a divine Being.
We did some measuring and the tech kept saying everything was "perfect". The baby's just floating around in there, bobbing with its yolk sac, but beware child! It will soon get very crowded. The little thing's heart was beating at 160 bpm and it really was just an awesome experience to hear. Also, turns out that I was spot on with the due date. January 22, 2014-on Wednesday I'll be 8 whole weeks. The baby is 13.7 mm long, actually he's the same size as he is in his picture. So tiny! And yet so nauseating. But I love him.
To my surprise, they scheduled another ultrasound next week. I'm usually all about declining unnecessary medical procedures, but how could I say no to another quick peek? I wish I had an ultrasound machine at home and could just have a look, willy nilly. They called this next one my "graduating ultrasound". That's the last (hopefully) I'll see of them, and now the journey's on to find someone to deliver my baby. Enjoy the picture! The head is on the right and the ball on the left is the yolk sac.
The ultrasound tech was so super nice and also happy with us. She pointed out little baby's flashing heart (which I honestly couldn't really see, although Felipe and the tech could-lame) and then she turned on the sound and we got to listen to the little heart. Could anything be more miraculous? I can't even imagine all the complex things that have to go perfectly for a new, living person to be born, and yet it happens all the time. No better evidence for a divine Being.
We did some measuring and the tech kept saying everything was "perfect". The baby's just floating around in there, bobbing with its yolk sac, but beware child! It will soon get very crowded. The little thing's heart was beating at 160 bpm and it really was just an awesome experience to hear. Also, turns out that I was spot on with the due date. January 22, 2014-on Wednesday I'll be 8 whole weeks. The baby is 13.7 mm long, actually he's the same size as he is in his picture. So tiny! And yet so nauseating. But I love him.
To my surprise, they scheduled another ultrasound next week. I'm usually all about declining unnecessary medical procedures, but how could I say no to another quick peek? I wish I had an ultrasound machine at home and could just have a look, willy nilly. They called this next one my "graduating ultrasound". That's the last (hopefully) I'll see of them, and now the journey's on to find someone to deliver my baby. Enjoy the picture! The head is on the right and the ball on the left is the yolk sac.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
7 Weeks Down
*This post will have a part of...ahem...honesty...in it. Dad, I'm warning you now.
Being 7 weeks pregnant is fantastic. Being any day pregnant is fantastic. Admittedly, there are times where I may not whole-heartedly believe that, but remembering the sorrow from not being able to conceive puts me right back in the proper frame of mind. I almost wish everyone had to work hard to get their baby so little precious children could be more appreciated. But let's not get into that issue.
Most of my stress and concerns for the last few months were focused on just conceiving. I had a vague idea that as soon as I conceived, stress and worry would fly out the window; I would be in happily ever after land. Not so. It was just like a shift in my mindset, a literal 'out with the old, in with the new'. Every single worry was replaced with something like 'what if I miscarry', 'what if it's ectopic', and my current concern of 'how can I push that monster out of such a tiny hole?'. I'm going to take a stab at a life lesson and guess that no matter where you are in life, there's always something to worry about. I can't get around it, I guess.
Things were just great, though, being pregnant, until week 5 and 4 days hit. Cue the instant nausea. I know I've been really lucky; I haven't thrown up and the nausea hasn't been debilitating, but it's still not that fun. I can't tell if it's let up the last few days or if I've just started to get used to it. My nose is super sensitive so that contributes to all nausea as well. I can't open the drawer that my oils are in because they're too potent, and just looking at Felipe's dirty lunch containers makes me want to vomit. The down side of that is that they don't get cleaned because dishes are not really Felipe's strong point...I wonder if my mother has started wondering yet where all her tuperware has gone.
I've also learned that sleeping/lying on my side makes me nauseous. So I have to sleep on my back. Which I hate. Also, kissing my husband is nauseating. A thousand good jokes could come from that, I know, but it's the sad truth. Even just little pecks make my stomach churn. Which is super odd. I better tell him before he reads this post so he doesn't have his feelings hurt.
There are so many things about being pregnant that you just have to experience, and things that people don't ever tell you. (Dad, this is the part you should skip) For example, sex-or any intimacy-HURTS. Major time. I had no idea this was a thing and the first time the pain hit I thought I (or the baby) was dying. I couldn't even get off the bed. This is called curl-up-and-don't-talk-to-me pain. I'm so glad we don't live in the middle ages (or the 60s) and can talk about these sorts of things. I talked to my sister and looked it up and apparently it's not uncommon to have shooting death pains after intercourse. Apparently orgasms cause uterine contractions...who knew? That was a big shocker to me. I have strong feelings that this is not the end of the pregnancy surprises. If there's anything else I should know, speak up!
(Dad, you can come back now.)
I feel like there is one major hurdle right now, and that's the ultrasound on Monday. There are a thousand 'what-ifs'. What if a baby didn't start developing? What if it's ectopic? What if I have a rare condition that makes the baby grow super fast and then die? It just spirals downward from there. I'm not too concerned about that last one, but I'll still just breathe a huge sigh of relief if the ultrasound shows a healthy, developing baby. Until the new worries hit, of course.
Until then, I will continue on my diet of grapes, string cheese, pretzels, and applesauce. The four main food groups. Surely they contain all the nutrients I need...
Being 7 weeks pregnant is fantastic. Being any day pregnant is fantastic. Admittedly, there are times where I may not whole-heartedly believe that, but remembering the sorrow from not being able to conceive puts me right back in the proper frame of mind. I almost wish everyone had to work hard to get their baby so little precious children could be more appreciated. But let's not get into that issue.
Most of my stress and concerns for the last few months were focused on just conceiving. I had a vague idea that as soon as I conceived, stress and worry would fly out the window; I would be in happily ever after land. Not so. It was just like a shift in my mindset, a literal 'out with the old, in with the new'. Every single worry was replaced with something like 'what if I miscarry', 'what if it's ectopic', and my current concern of 'how can I push that monster out of such a tiny hole?'. I'm going to take a stab at a life lesson and guess that no matter where you are in life, there's always something to worry about. I can't get around it, I guess.
Things were just great, though, being pregnant, until week 5 and 4 days hit. Cue the instant nausea. I know I've been really lucky; I haven't thrown up and the nausea hasn't been debilitating, but it's still not that fun. I can't tell if it's let up the last few days or if I've just started to get used to it. My nose is super sensitive so that contributes to all nausea as well. I can't open the drawer that my oils are in because they're too potent, and just looking at Felipe's dirty lunch containers makes me want to vomit. The down side of that is that they don't get cleaned because dishes are not really Felipe's strong point...I wonder if my mother has started wondering yet where all her tuperware has gone.
I've also learned that sleeping/lying on my side makes me nauseous. So I have to sleep on my back. Which I hate. Also, kissing my husband is nauseating. A thousand good jokes could come from that, I know, but it's the sad truth. Even just little pecks make my stomach churn. Which is super odd. I better tell him before he reads this post so he doesn't have his feelings hurt.
There are so many things about being pregnant that you just have to experience, and things that people don't ever tell you. (Dad, this is the part you should skip) For example, sex-or any intimacy-HURTS. Major time. I had no idea this was a thing and the first time the pain hit I thought I (or the baby) was dying. I couldn't even get off the bed. This is called curl-up-and-don't-talk-to-me pain. I'm so glad we don't live in the middle ages (or the 60s) and can talk about these sorts of things. I talked to my sister and looked it up and apparently it's not uncommon to have shooting death pains after intercourse. Apparently orgasms cause uterine contractions...who knew? That was a big shocker to me. I have strong feelings that this is not the end of the pregnancy surprises. If there's anything else I should know, speak up!
(Dad, you can come back now.)
I feel like there is one major hurdle right now, and that's the ultrasound on Monday. There are a thousand 'what-ifs'. What if a baby didn't start developing? What if it's ectopic? What if I have a rare condition that makes the baby grow super fast and then die? It just spirals downward from there. I'm not too concerned about that last one, but I'll still just breathe a huge sigh of relief if the ultrasound shows a healthy, developing baby. Until the new worries hit, of course.
Until then, I will continue on my diet of grapes, string cheese, pretzels, and applesauce. The four main food groups. Surely they contain all the nutrients I need...
Friday, May 17, 2013
This is called: I still can't believe it!
Everyone has been so patient and waited longer than expected to hear the news of Wednesday so here it is: I'm pregnant! Can you believe it? I sure can't. We had a surprise trip planned to visit my Dad and family this weekend and wanted to tell my Dad in person that I was pregnant, so the blog update had to wait. I promise that I wanted to tell the world, and now I can. I'm pregnant!!! When I got the voicemail on Wednesday I listened to the first bit, just because I didn't recognize the number and wanted to make sure it actually was the clinic that called. So I got to hear "Lauren, this is so-and-so from the Utah Fertility Clinic..." and then I hung up the voicemail call. Her voice sounded so sad! I was sure she had bad news. Felipe finally came home and we listened to the voicemail: "Lauren, this is so-and-so from the Utah Fertility Clinic. We got the results from your blood test and they were positive. Lauren, you are pregnant." At which point I paused the recording and burst into tears and hugged Felipe for all he was worth. Apparently in my jubilee I smacked Felipe in the side of the head, but he stoically bore the pain until the moment had died down. What a trooper ha. We listened to the rest of the voicemail, just details about calling her back and scheduling an ultrasound. I really couldn't believe it. I was speechless. I always thought being speechless was somewhat of a hyperbole, something that just happens in books, but I was really quite speechless. I could only get out a few disjointed words. And I wanted to tell the world! We left to go tell my sister, but she wasn't home. We ran into my Mom and told her and then left to find my sister and her husband and then started to tell all the people we could tell in person. It's still so unreal! That night we bought tiny Martinellis and had our own little celebration and then watched Psych, of course.
Yesterday we flew to my Dad and I still have to take the Progesterone (until week 9), which has to be refrigerated, so we walked around the airport with a cup of ice and a huge RX bottle, mooching ice off of random overly-priced restaurants. I also did some reading up on TSA's huge body scanners and decided to opt out, which made for a very nice groping session, but the personnel were really professional and kind (except for when I took my flip-flops off of the conveyor belt-you'd have thought I was wielding a knife by the way they reacted).
I'm due January 24th and the ultrasound at the fertility clinic is scheduled for June 10th, right after I'm 7 weeks. The nurse said that my HCG levels were really good and at the high end of things at 350, so I'm just going to take that as another sign of twins. It would be so great!
My heart really hurts for everyone who will read this and just feel bitter and left out because another woman got pregnant and they did not. I guarantee that's how I would feel if the roles were reversed. I know that pain is real. There's nothing more to be said that hasn't already been said, and no more words of comfort left. I hope everyone will have their day, and I hope and pray that I actually am pregnant and that the ultrasound is positive and doesn't leave me in tears, but if not I have a testimony of faith and the comforting power of the Holy Ghost and the healing power of the Atonement.
For now, I'm just going to be thrilled and grateful each day for the poppy seed sized miracle inside of me. Get ready, world, here comes baby Portus!
Yesterday we flew to my Dad and I still have to take the Progesterone (until week 9), which has to be refrigerated, so we walked around the airport with a cup of ice and a huge RX bottle, mooching ice off of random overly-priced restaurants. I also did some reading up on TSA's huge body scanners and decided to opt out, which made for a very nice groping session, but the personnel were really professional and kind (except for when I took my flip-flops off of the conveyor belt-you'd have thought I was wielding a knife by the way they reacted).
I'm due January 24th and the ultrasound at the fertility clinic is scheduled for June 10th, right after I'm 7 weeks. The nurse said that my HCG levels were really good and at the high end of things at 350, so I'm just going to take that as another sign of twins. It would be so great!
My heart really hurts for everyone who will read this and just feel bitter and left out because another woman got pregnant and they did not. I guarantee that's how I would feel if the roles were reversed. I know that pain is real. There's nothing more to be said that hasn't already been said, and no more words of comfort left. I hope everyone will have their day, and I hope and pray that I actually am pregnant and that the ultrasound is positive and doesn't leave me in tears, but if not I have a testimony of faith and the comforting power of the Holy Ghost and the healing power of the Atonement.
For now, I'm just going to be thrilled and grateful each day for the poppy seed sized miracle inside of me. Get ready, world, here comes baby Portus!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Waiting Game
Waiting is not a game; it's torture, or nigh unto it. I had my blood test this morning and now will wait until almost six pm (7 hours from now) before I get the results. Felipe wants to find out the same time I do so I ask the clinic to leave the results in a voicemail and then Felipe and I listen to it together when he gets home from work. The time between getting the voicemail and Felipe coming home is THE WORST. Last month he was at least a half hour late coming home and I was about ready to rip him to shreds. When I asked him why he was late he said he had stopped to help someone on the side of the road who had a flat tire. Typical. How can you get mad at your good Samaritan husband?
In other news, thank you to everyone who sent me kind words after my last post's rant. Rest assured that I have not lost the faith and am not going to commit suicide, I just needed to share what I was feeling and thinking. Dark times happen and how can you appreciate joy and happiness if you never feel the opposite? If the joy you feel is directly related to the despair you feel, then I will most likely burst with joy just as I was bursting with despair. I certainly hope that in 7 short hours I can tell the world I'm pregnant. I'll admit though that I am a bit reluctant to post that I'm pregnant because I know a lot of people who read my blog are going through fertility issues too and I know if the roles were reversed I'd be so bitter for someone else to be pregnant while I was not. I'm pretty sure I would be secretly hoping that the other person wouldn't be pregnant, just so I would not feel alone in not having a baby. I'm no saint. So if I am pregnant, I apologize to everyone else and if it turns out I'm not, then please keep your smug happiness to yourself. Surely you are all better people than I am, though, and this won't be an issue for you. :)
And in further news, we signed a contract yesterday for our own place. Finally! After almost one year of living with different family members, we are so thrilled to be out on our own again. I don't want to sound ungrateful; it has been such a blessing being with different family and we had a lot of fun and really enjoyed it, but I just want to feel like we're really our own, mature, adult people again. We're actually moving into our friends' apartment since they're moving to California (which is so very sad-for us), so we're already quite familiar with the apartment and I'm already planning in my head where to put things. I'm super looking forward to trips to Ikea again! We'll surely make many trips since our furniture right now consists of a bed, a tv, and multiple bookshelves. We'll be sparse for a while, but it'll be worth it. And it'll be close to both of our jobs, which will be really helpful since we share our one car. And yes, I'm working too. I'm going back to my old job, starting next Tuesday. I'm a little anxious, but the money will be so helpful. We still haven't decided if we'll go through fertility treatment this next cycle if I'm not pregnant. I really want to, but our finances are stretched pretty thin and now we have a deposit and first month's rent to pay, and our first two months of fertility fun will soon be catching up with us. I just got a notice in the mail saying $1600 worth of bills is currently pending at insurance so I expect to see those bills quite soon. It may be the most prudent course to save money for a month and then try again, but my heart isn't always on board with being prudent. We'll just have to wait and see.
Fingers crossed, everybody, and here's to the best!
In other news, thank you to everyone who sent me kind words after my last post's rant. Rest assured that I have not lost the faith and am not going to commit suicide, I just needed to share what I was feeling and thinking. Dark times happen and how can you appreciate joy and happiness if you never feel the opposite? If the joy you feel is directly related to the despair you feel, then I will most likely burst with joy just as I was bursting with despair. I certainly hope that in 7 short hours I can tell the world I'm pregnant. I'll admit though that I am a bit reluctant to post that I'm pregnant because I know a lot of people who read my blog are going through fertility issues too and I know if the roles were reversed I'd be so bitter for someone else to be pregnant while I was not. I'm pretty sure I would be secretly hoping that the other person wouldn't be pregnant, just so I would not feel alone in not having a baby. I'm no saint. So if I am pregnant, I apologize to everyone else and if it turns out I'm not, then please keep your smug happiness to yourself. Surely you are all better people than I am, though, and this won't be an issue for you. :)
And in further news, we signed a contract yesterday for our own place. Finally! After almost one year of living with different family members, we are so thrilled to be out on our own again. I don't want to sound ungrateful; it has been such a blessing being with different family and we had a lot of fun and really enjoyed it, but I just want to feel like we're really our own, mature, adult people again. We're actually moving into our friends' apartment since they're moving to California (which is so very sad-for us), so we're already quite familiar with the apartment and I'm already planning in my head where to put things. I'm super looking forward to trips to Ikea again! We'll surely make many trips since our furniture right now consists of a bed, a tv, and multiple bookshelves. We'll be sparse for a while, but it'll be worth it. And it'll be close to both of our jobs, which will be really helpful since we share our one car. And yes, I'm working too. I'm going back to my old job, starting next Tuesday. I'm a little anxious, but the money will be so helpful. We still haven't decided if we'll go through fertility treatment this next cycle if I'm not pregnant. I really want to, but our finances are stretched pretty thin and now we have a deposit and first month's rent to pay, and our first two months of fertility fun will soon be catching up with us. I just got a notice in the mail saying $1600 worth of bills is currently pending at insurance so I expect to see those bills quite soon. It may be the most prudent course to save money for a month and then try again, but my heart isn't always on board with being prudent. We'll just have to wait and see.
Fingers crossed, everybody, and here's to the best!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
It Doesn't Get Much More Honest Than This
I don't have an especially high opinion of myself right now so I've refrained from posting for a while. I've thought about a new post almost every day, I just haven't brought myself to do it yet. But here it is, and it's not going to be pretty. I hope this post won't lessen people's opinions of me but I know I'm going to come off as a whiny, ungrateful, selfish wimp. So be it. I decided to finally post some of what I'm thinking and feeling in the hopes that on someone else's dark night, when they feel forsaken, forgotten, or alone, or when they are just really being hard on themselves, they can take some comfort in knowing that they're not the only one out there struggling with these emotions.
It has been a really hard week for me. I feel like giving up all the time. I know that this is only my second month of fertility treatments and it's already feeling like it's too much for me. I don't know how much more I can take of the false hope and vain attempts. Didn't somebody define insanity as trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? I must be going insane. And how could I be crumbling after only two months? So many women, braver than I, have done this month after month after month. And they can do so with their heads held high. It is a hard realization when one realizes that they're not really strong, or brave, or courageous. Why can't I have more fortitude? Why can't I have more faith?
I have to admit that I'm afraid of what next week will bring. I'm afraid of how I'll react if the blood test is negative again. I was so devastated last month and I'm embarrassed to admit that I kept having thoughts of hurting myself. I was so mad at my body. I've never had that problem before and I pushed those thoughts aside, but I'm afraid of the possibility of facing them again next week. Why am I so very weak? What is my problem? So many people go through things much worse than I and do so well.
There have been moments of bright sunlight over the past few weeks, but they are just brief pinpricks through the dark ominous clouds. I have a moment of comfort and faith, but then I forget and go back into despondency. I think my poor husband is at wits end. He is so good, and faithful, and tries so hard to make me happy but doesn't know what to do to help me. I don't know what to do to help me. I feel like I'm a leech in my marriage. He works hard all day and then comes home and works to make me happy. I feel like I have nothing to offer, nothing to bring to the table of our marriage. The other night when I confessed to him how much I was really struggling, he suggested that I sing my favorite hymn or primary song when I have undesired thoughts. He said that that was what he does when he has bad days, which surprised me, because he doesn't seem to really have any bad days. He said that on his own bad days he feels better when he gets home because he focuses on making me happy. I felt horrendous. Horrible. How could I have been so self absorbed to not notice that he had bad days? I felt so ashamed. And selfish.
The pressure is on for me to be pregnant because we decided to take May off in order to save money. We're really feeling the financial strain and adding more stress to our lives is not helping. I know I should get a job. I feel guilty, always so guilty, that Felipe is working and sacrificing while I'm at home. I'm nervous to add a job to my life right now. I feel so drained by trying to have a baby that I'm nervous to add a job and its stress to everything. And then I feel guilty that I'm so drained. And so weak. And so inadequate. We don't have much money to get us from now until Felipe's next paycheck, and I'm still reluctant to get a job. What is wrong with me? We have always been blessed to have what we need, and so blessed that we can stay with family right now. We're also blessed that all our bills between now and the next paycheck are paid. Paying tithing on Sunday was really such an act of faith. And paying a fast offering; it was such a pittance, but it knocked out our checking account by almost 50%. I did feel comfort and my mind was clear as I put the check into the envelope, so why am I so quick to forget? I know we'll make it but there's nothing like living on the edge that really gets your blood (or tears) flowing. This has to be a lesson in humility. Every day I see that we couldn't make it without the Lord's help. Everyday that's evident to me. So why am I so quick to forget that the Lord is by my side? I feel like I could line up right next to Laman and Lemuel and get a tongue lashing from Nephi about being quick to forget.
So these are my thoughts. I'm sorry they're depressing and vulgar and so raw. I'm embarrassed. And I feel so guilty when people tell me I'm brave. If only they knew what really went on in my heart as I lie in bed each night. I know that eventually things will be better, but right now this is how I feel. There is a dark side to infertility and sometimes I wonder if everyone struggles like I do. Everyone else in the waiting room at the fertility clinic looks so happy and together. What is the secret I'm missing?
Felipe has to give me nightly reminders that God has a plan, that we need to have faith, that He loves us and that we have to do our part. All I want to do is give up. Why does he have it all so together? Why does everyone have it together? I hope in a week I can learn I'm pregnant and can look back on this post and my feelings and give a slight chuckle and look forward to the future, embarrassed that I ever felt such doubt and had such dark thoughts. And I really hope you don't think less of me, though I do hope you don't think very highly of me. Just a happy medium will be fine, thank you.
It has been a really hard week for me. I feel like giving up all the time. I know that this is only my second month of fertility treatments and it's already feeling like it's too much for me. I don't know how much more I can take of the false hope and vain attempts. Didn't somebody define insanity as trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? I must be going insane. And how could I be crumbling after only two months? So many women, braver than I, have done this month after month after month. And they can do so with their heads held high. It is a hard realization when one realizes that they're not really strong, or brave, or courageous. Why can't I have more fortitude? Why can't I have more faith?
I have to admit that I'm afraid of what next week will bring. I'm afraid of how I'll react if the blood test is negative again. I was so devastated last month and I'm embarrassed to admit that I kept having thoughts of hurting myself. I was so mad at my body. I've never had that problem before and I pushed those thoughts aside, but I'm afraid of the possibility of facing them again next week. Why am I so very weak? What is my problem? So many people go through things much worse than I and do so well.
There have been moments of bright sunlight over the past few weeks, but they are just brief pinpricks through the dark ominous clouds. I have a moment of comfort and faith, but then I forget and go back into despondency. I think my poor husband is at wits end. He is so good, and faithful, and tries so hard to make me happy but doesn't know what to do to help me. I don't know what to do to help me. I feel like I'm a leech in my marriage. He works hard all day and then comes home and works to make me happy. I feel like I have nothing to offer, nothing to bring to the table of our marriage. The other night when I confessed to him how much I was really struggling, he suggested that I sing my favorite hymn or primary song when I have undesired thoughts. He said that that was what he does when he has bad days, which surprised me, because he doesn't seem to really have any bad days. He said that on his own bad days he feels better when he gets home because he focuses on making me happy. I felt horrendous. Horrible. How could I have been so self absorbed to not notice that he had bad days? I felt so ashamed. And selfish.
The pressure is on for me to be pregnant because we decided to take May off in order to save money. We're really feeling the financial strain and adding more stress to our lives is not helping. I know I should get a job. I feel guilty, always so guilty, that Felipe is working and sacrificing while I'm at home. I'm nervous to add a job to my life right now. I feel so drained by trying to have a baby that I'm nervous to add a job and its stress to everything. And then I feel guilty that I'm so drained. And so weak. And so inadequate. We don't have much money to get us from now until Felipe's next paycheck, and I'm still reluctant to get a job. What is wrong with me? We have always been blessed to have what we need, and so blessed that we can stay with family right now. We're also blessed that all our bills between now and the next paycheck are paid. Paying tithing on Sunday was really such an act of faith. And paying a fast offering; it was such a pittance, but it knocked out our checking account by almost 50%. I did feel comfort and my mind was clear as I put the check into the envelope, so why am I so quick to forget? I know we'll make it but there's nothing like living on the edge that really gets your blood (or tears) flowing. This has to be a lesson in humility. Every day I see that we couldn't make it without the Lord's help. Everyday that's evident to me. So why am I so quick to forget that the Lord is by my side? I feel like I could line up right next to Laman and Lemuel and get a tongue lashing from Nephi about being quick to forget.
So these are my thoughts. I'm sorry they're depressing and vulgar and so raw. I'm embarrassed. And I feel so guilty when people tell me I'm brave. If only they knew what really went on in my heart as I lie in bed each night. I know that eventually things will be better, but right now this is how I feel. There is a dark side to infertility and sometimes I wonder if everyone struggles like I do. Everyone else in the waiting room at the fertility clinic looks so happy and together. What is the secret I'm missing?
Felipe has to give me nightly reminders that God has a plan, that we need to have faith, that He loves us and that we have to do our part. All I want to do is give up. Why does he have it all so together? Why does everyone have it together? I hope in a week I can learn I'm pregnant and can look back on this post and my feelings and give a slight chuckle and look forward to the future, embarrassed that I ever felt such doubt and had such dark thoughts. And I really hope you don't think less of me, though I do hope you don't think very highly of me. Just a happy medium will be fine, thank you.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
IUI #2
Today's IUI went great; not a hitch. We had another happy numbers surprise when the nurse told me that Felipe's sperm count today was a whopping 20 million, whereas last month it was only 4.6 million. So combine that number with my nice follicles and I'd say we have a fighting chance this month. I have been borderline sick the last few days and it really peaked yesterday and today so I was afraid that they wouldn't let me do the IUI, but they did. And with numbers like what we had, who could refuse us? Now we're on to the two week wait. Bleh. But I have great hope for this month!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Follicles
I never thought I would get so excited about the size of the follicles in my ovaries. What an odd thing to get excited over! Trying to conceive is truly a whole other world. I went in for another ultrasound today to measure the size of the follicles in my ovaries and schedule our second IUI. They have fancy new tv screens hooked up to the ultrasound machines so the women can see the picture of the ultrasound from the comfort of their stirrups. Unfortunately, the one in my room wasn't set up all the way yet so the nurse was a little more descriptive than I'm used to and it all facilitated my question asking, which was great. The biggest follicle in my right ovary was only at 12 (mm?), which is too little. The clinic wants to have the follicles be at least size 18 (which was all I had last month), so I was a little nervous that I wouldn't produce any quality eggs this cycle, but then she checked my left ovary and lo and behold TWO mature follicles, ready to burst. They were at 26 and 20.5 and I got so excited, silly me. Follicles tend to grow 1-2 (mm?) per day so now I'm getting nervous that the 26 will be too big and just turn into a cyst. There's always something to be nervous about. But at least I'll have Mr. (Ms.) 20.5! The IUI is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Let's hope one of Felipe's MILLIONS of sperm can hit the mark and do the job and that 26 and/or 20.5 are receptive and good hosts. Why yes, please, I'll take twins.
I had another happy surprise when I stopped by billing on my way out and was told that I have a -$230 balance on my account. Turns out I paid a bill that was covered by insurance so I have $230 credit and didn't have to pay the $85 for the trigger shot I brought home today. If large follicles don't make you happy, then surely you can appreciate a surprise $230. Fantastic.
I had another happy surprise when I stopped by billing on my way out and was told that I have a -$230 balance on my account. Turns out I paid a bill that was covered by insurance so I have $230 credit and didn't have to pay the $85 for the trigger shot I brought home today. If large follicles don't make you happy, then surely you can appreciate a surprise $230. Fantastic.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Curse you Femara
I super hate Femara. Did anyone else have problems with it? I feel like my head is going to explode all the day long. Yesterday I could feel my pulse in my head, enthusiastically throbbing away. True, I don't have the hot flashes and moodiness like I did with Clomid, but is the constant hammering in my head that much better? My head hurts, my ears hurt, even my teeth hurt. Thankfully tomorrow is my last dose and Femara has a half life of two days so I'll soon be feeling better, but that will be just in time to start the Bravelle injections. How is one expected to conceive with all the stress of the drugs and shots? I don't know how people go through fertility treatments with full time jobs and/or other children. My hat's off to all of you!
Monday, April 22, 2013
Take Two
And let it begin....again. Here we are for take two. I had what they call a baseline ultrasound today. Honestly, I don't really know what they check. I know they do the baseline at the start of each cycle and the ultrasound tech stands there and measures many different things. I think that they check to make sure I don't have any cysts, check how many follicles I have in each ovary, and check my uterine lining. I saw a new person again today. It's a little annoying that I keep seeing different people, and that they don't ever tell me their names. I feel a little bit like I'm in a factory, just going down the assembly line and everybody gets a chance to prod me. They are all really nice and proactive, which I appreciate, but I'm always going from person to person and feel like I don't have a clear picture of what's happening. I ask a lot of questions but sometimes I don't know enough about the subject to even know what to ask.
For this cycle it seems that the only difference is that I'll be taking Femara for the next five days instead of Clomid. I am grateful for that because the dumb Clomid was giving me hot flashes...I didn't appreciate that glimpse into menopause! The nurse told me that they switched me to Femara because my uterine lining is thin and Clomid has a side effect of working against the estrogen to make the lining thinner. I'll do the Bravelle injections on Saturday and Monday and hopefully this time around it won't take me a full half hour to gather the courage to jab the needle into my stomach. I wasn't a huge fan of that, although it was a little amusing to hear Felipe keep asking "Did you do it yet?" from the other room. He was too squeamish to watch...good thing we'll have 9+ months to work him up to being able to be at the delivery ha!
I go back next Tuesday for another ultrasound and will most likely do the IUI on the following day. I am grateful that there's not much time between the pregnancy blood test and starting treatment again. It makes me feel like I'm working towards being pregnant without many days after finding out to stew over the negative blood test.
Positive thought: At least if I get pregnant from the IUI I'll know that the contributing sperm was the cream of the crop!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Here's to the Best!
This is my new motto: Here's to the Best! I'm picturing myself standing triumphant with a long sword in one hand and a chalice from the palace in the other, while the ferocious infertility dragon is lying slain at my feet. And I raise my chalice and proclaim: Here's to the Best! The best will happen! Here's a secret: every last one of us has been promised, by the Lord, that the best for us will happen if we stay true and faithful. Easy peasy, right? Well, no, not easy. But worth it! This promise goes two ways, and I can guarantee that the giver of this promise will never fall short on His end, so it's all up to us. My brain knows this and my testimony knows this and they're both working on my heart to get on board because I still cry and get angry and sad and frustrated, but in the end I'll still proclaim, Here's to the Best! Because the best will happen.
In the meantime, any person ever who tries to help you get out of a slum will tell you to make a list of things you're grateful for. It's cliche, but it's tried and true to get you out of the blue. I have two specific things I want to share right now:
I am grateful for my super specific patriarchal blessing because, among other things, it promises that I will be a mother. I will have children, in mortality, in this life, of my own flesh and blood. It will happen! So I better stop being sad and just buck up.
And I'm also so very, incredibly grateful for a husband who drove home from work on his lunch hour, from Lehi, to give me a hug. He's real, ladies and gentlemen, and he did that for me, because he loves me, and that is the best.
In the meantime, any person ever who tries to help you get out of a slum will tell you to make a list of things you're grateful for. It's cliche, but it's tried and true to get you out of the blue. I have two specific things I want to share right now:
I am grateful for my super specific patriarchal blessing because, among other things, it promises that I will be a mother. I will have children, in mortality, in this life, of my own flesh and blood. It will happen! So I better stop being sad and just buck up.
And I'm also so very, incredibly grateful for a husband who drove home from work on his lunch hour, from Lehi, to give me a hug. He's real, ladies and gentlemen, and he did that for me, because he loves me, and that is the best.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
No Baby. Of Course.
Well friends, sometimes life sucks. And sometimes you are sad. I don't even have anything inspirational to say yet. To my surprise, I did not burst into tears. But I'm sure that will come. And you know what? I'm still going to go buy a cute baby outfit. Because my day WILL come. And I'm going to watch Psych tonight. I can still be happy, even when faced with disappointment, right? Right. Happiness is a choice. There. Done. Stayed tuned for month two. I'll go in next week to start all over again. The nurse who left me the voicemail said my doctor wants to change the medications, so I'm sure I'm in for an adventure.
Thank you, all, for your prayers and kind thoughts. I wish you all the best in your trials, too.
Thank you, all, for your prayers and kind thoughts. I wish you all the best in your trials, too.
This Is What Matters
No news yet. But I wanted to share this. I wanted to share what matters. I was very nervous all morning, before the blood test. I was also very nervous in the waiting room, while I was waiting for the blood test. I don't like the feeling that there's nothing I can do to change the outcome and Felipe was texting me to help me calm down. He told me that either way the test goes, we'll be together and love each other.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what matters.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what matters.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Tomorrow....
It's really rare in life that a person can pinpoint a day in the future as a day that might hold such significance in their life. You can plan your college graduation and your wedding date but beyond that, there isn't really much we can plan in terms of life-changing events. Most of our life's big moments just happen and we work it out as best we can, whether good or bad. But tomorrow's the day I've been looking forward to and also dreading for the past two weeks. Tomorrow I'll go in for a simple blood test and then a stranger will tell me yes or no. That's it. Not a lot of hype for such a significant event. I've convinced myself that I'm not pregnant, not this time around. I don't fill one bit different, not sick at all. I've also had some really faint spotting, a tell-tale sign of impending period doom. It's physical clockwork, the monthly in-your-face insult that you are not pregnant. It's bad enough that I have no baby in my arms, I also have to endure the monthly pain and discomfort. It's like adding insult to injury.
But there's still hope. There are always things I can do, even if it's just repeating what I've tried in the past. If I'm not pregnant this month then we'll go through the same schedule again; the shots, ultrasounds, and popping hormones. And then another IUI. If the IUIs don't work after a couple cycles, we're going to move forward with LDS Family Services and their adoption program. They sometimes take years to place a baby so why not get started now? And why is adoption so very expensive? There are so many unwanted pregnancies and neglected infants. I want to tell all the mothers considering abortion that not only are they taking away their child's life, they are taking away the chance for a man and a woman to be a father and a mother. I would be that mother. I would take their unwanted child.
So here's to tomorrow. Whatever may come, I pray that I will not be bitter and that I won't be too disappointed. I pray that I can look forward and keep hope alive in my heart and I pray that I can have the courage to try month after month until we can finally complete our family. And while I'm at it, I might as well secretly pray that somebody will leave a baby on my doorstep (and that, miracle of miracles, the police and DCFS will allow me to keep him).
And for those of you who may be wondering, we did try to be foster parents a little over a year ago. It was such an awful, horrendous, insulting, painful experience that we probably won't reconsider that approach until we have moved to a different state, since the rules and regulations vary so drastically depending on the state you're in.
So wish me the best of luck! And be assured that my favorite shirt is clean and ready to give me all its luck tomorrow :)
But there's still hope. There are always things I can do, even if it's just repeating what I've tried in the past. If I'm not pregnant this month then we'll go through the same schedule again; the shots, ultrasounds, and popping hormones. And then another IUI. If the IUIs don't work after a couple cycles, we're going to move forward with LDS Family Services and their adoption program. They sometimes take years to place a baby so why not get started now? And why is adoption so very expensive? There are so many unwanted pregnancies and neglected infants. I want to tell all the mothers considering abortion that not only are they taking away their child's life, they are taking away the chance for a man and a woman to be a father and a mother. I would be that mother. I would take their unwanted child.
So here's to tomorrow. Whatever may come, I pray that I will not be bitter and that I won't be too disappointed. I pray that I can look forward and keep hope alive in my heart and I pray that I can have the courage to try month after month until we can finally complete our family. And while I'm at it, I might as well secretly pray that somebody will leave a baby on my doorstep (and that, miracle of miracles, the police and DCFS will allow me to keep him).
And for those of you who may be wondering, we did try to be foster parents a little over a year ago. It was such an awful, horrendous, insulting, painful experience that we probably won't reconsider that approach until we have moved to a different state, since the rules and regulations vary so drastically depending on the state you're in.
So wish me the best of luck! And be assured that my favorite shirt is clean and ready to give me all its luck tomorrow :)
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Utah Fertility Center-Free Infertility Seminar
For any who may be interested, Utah Fertility Center is having a free infertility seminar tonight, April 10th, and tomorrow, April 11. Tonight's will be in Provo from 6:30-8:30 and tomorrow's is in St George (the time isn't on the flyer). The link to their flyer is here, which will include addresses. RSVP by calling 801-492-9200. If you attend, you get 50% off a consultation, which is $230 full price. So if you're like me and have no idea where to start for help conceiving, this might be really helpful. Good luck!
PS T-minus one week until the day of truth-aka blood test. Ah!
PS T-minus one week until the day of truth-aka blood test. Ah!
Monday, April 8, 2013
Let's Have Some Happy
Utah Valley is probably one of THE WORST places to live when you're trying to have a baby. Every time I go out there are hordes of pregnant 20 year olds and droopy eyed college students toting toddlers and pushing strollers. Excuse me, not only have I graduated college, I've also lived more years since high school than I spent there. Where's my baby prize? One time when Felipe and I went to the dollar theater there was a group of 16-18 year olds in the parking lot smoking, skateboarding, and being obnoxious while an infant in a car seat watched from the sidewalk. When Felipe and I walked past the group, one of the teenagers hid the baby behind a column, causing another teenager a few seconds later to turn around and ask where his baby was. I wanted to take that baby and run. Wouldn't I have been a better parent? At times like that I would sometimes ask God wouldn't He have rathered His precious spirit son or daughter have come to my family? I want to take all the babies and love them and teach them and protect them. All things considered, I sometimes get down. But I want the point of this post to share ways to keep spirits high. I've compiled a list of activities that I like to do to keep from being depressed. Feel free to share any other ideas.
1. I don't see any problem in having a little good luck charm. I wore my current favorite shirt to my IUI. Let the luck flow!
2. Watch Psych. I love that show! And who doesn't need more laughter? One of the episodes this season was modeled after the 1985 movie Clue, one of my all time favorite movies. What could get better than that? Besides being pregnant, of course. Maybe when that happy day comes I'll watch that episode again and be at an all time happy high.
3. Declare a "we're not trying to conceive" month. Trying to have a baby means having a lot of sex, and having sex as a means to an end is stressful. I don't think we even realized how much tension that was causing until we decided to stop focusing on conceiving for a couple months and just let life happen. We didn't stop having sex, but we stopped planning and timing and focusing and stressing and obsessing and it was so refreshing.
4. Buy baby clothes. Go ahead, do it! If your husband is like mine, he won't understand the need but he will know that it's important to you. I bought some outfits when we first started trying, back when I was excited and hopeful and confident that in 9 short months I'd be holding my child, and then I bought three more outfits the day of my IUI. It's not very expensive to buy an outfit or two every few months. And when we finally do have a baby, having a few outfits ready to go will save us some money after spending so much on fertility treatments.
5. Find something in your life that you can control. For me right now, that's food. We buy mostly organic food, raw food, and everything non GMO when possible. I've done enough research to convince myself that this is healthier than the mainstream, but I'm not trying to push it on anyone. It's just something that I can control. I can help my body be healthy, I can take charge of what I put in my body, and it gives me something to focus on.
6. Spend time with your husband. Chances are, your day will come. If couples persevere (and spend oodles of money) their odds of having a baby are high. And then, from what I'm told, your lives will change forever. Your family dynamic will have a dramatic change and alone time with your husband will drop. You don't want to look back on that time that was just you and him and regret not taking advantage of those special years. Enjoy that time because while having a baby will be fantastic, you'll never get the period of your life back when it was just you and your husband.
7. Try not to be jealous that every person you've ever known is pregnant. Being bitter and jealous is exhausting.
If none of this appeals to you, find your own way of coping. It doesn't matter what it is as long as you find a way to keep yourself from burning out before your baby actually comes. And if you're a burned out, terrible parent, I may just come and "borrow" that baby from you :)
Happy coping!
1. I don't see any problem in having a little good luck charm. I wore my current favorite shirt to my IUI. Let the luck flow!
2. Watch Psych. I love that show! And who doesn't need more laughter? One of the episodes this season was modeled after the 1985 movie Clue, one of my all time favorite movies. What could get better than that? Besides being pregnant, of course. Maybe when that happy day comes I'll watch that episode again and be at an all time happy high.
3. Declare a "we're not trying to conceive" month. Trying to have a baby means having a lot of sex, and having sex as a means to an end is stressful. I don't think we even realized how much tension that was causing until we decided to stop focusing on conceiving for a couple months and just let life happen. We didn't stop having sex, but we stopped planning and timing and focusing and stressing and obsessing and it was so refreshing.
4. Buy baby clothes. Go ahead, do it! If your husband is like mine, he won't understand the need but he will know that it's important to you. I bought some outfits when we first started trying, back when I was excited and hopeful and confident that in 9 short months I'd be holding my child, and then I bought three more outfits the day of my IUI. It's not very expensive to buy an outfit or two every few months. And when we finally do have a baby, having a few outfits ready to go will save us some money after spending so much on fertility treatments.
5. Find something in your life that you can control. For me right now, that's food. We buy mostly organic food, raw food, and everything non GMO when possible. I've done enough research to convince myself that this is healthier than the mainstream, but I'm not trying to push it on anyone. It's just something that I can control. I can help my body be healthy, I can take charge of what I put in my body, and it gives me something to focus on.
6. Spend time with your husband. Chances are, your day will come. If couples persevere (and spend oodles of money) their odds of having a baby are high. And then, from what I'm told, your lives will change forever. Your family dynamic will have a dramatic change and alone time with your husband will drop. You don't want to look back on that time that was just you and him and regret not taking advantage of those special years. Enjoy that time because while having a baby will be fantastic, you'll never get the period of your life back when it was just you and your husband.
7. Try not to be jealous that every person you've ever known is pregnant. Being bitter and jealous is exhausting.
If none of this appeals to you, find your own way of coping. It doesn't matter what it is as long as you find a way to keep yourself from burning out before your baby actually comes. And if you're a burned out, terrible parent, I may just come and "borrow" that baby from you :)
Happy coping!
Friday, April 5, 2013
You Are Not Alone
I am so grateful for the many responses I've gotten from friends, family, and even strangers. I feel really loved and really supported and I feel blessed that I'm able to offer advice and encouragement to other women in the same boat I am in. I even caught myself today saying a quick prayer thanking God for the opportunity I had to help other people and that other people could learn from my experiences, and then I gave an incredulous (inward) laugh because I realized that in essence I was thanking God for my experience with infertility! I am truly grateful, though, to be able to see in part how my trial is a blessing.
Right now, I want every woman reading this to know that you are not alone. Even if I am the only other person you know who is experiencing this heartache, you are not alone. This has been a long road and I've experienced many emotions. There were many days where I was bitter. There were many days where I was jealous. And I'm sad thinking about all the times I questioned God and felt like my personal injustice was so incredibly unfair. What did I do to deserve this? And even when I realized that it was pride and that I was so proud as to think that I was above mortal trials, I still would have days where I struggled with just not being bitter. But every time I repented and turned to the Savior for comfort and for solace, He was there. Every time. 3 Nephi 22 started to stock my shelf of favorite scriptures:
"With everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee."
"For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee"
And John 14:27 was on constant replay in my mind:
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid"
But there were other emotions. I felt so guilty. I couldn't give my husband something that would be so wonderful and special, something that would make him so happy. Again, I felt inadequate.
And sometimes I was mad. When they learned I had no children, people I had just met would make some statement insinuating that we were selfish, or would inform me that we shouldn't wait very long. And then most of the time they would walk away. There it was. I wasn't worth a conversation anymore because they disagreed with my supposed policy on waiting to have children. I got so caught up in being angry at their judging that I failed to notice the obvious lesson. If anything, I should have learned how easy it is to judge incorrectly, and how hurtful quick judgments can be. My friend Sarah reminded me today that "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see". My heartache should have made me more sensitive to others who were quietly suffering, but I was too focused on being offended.
I hope that my experiences will not only comfort those who are faced with the same trial, but will raise such an awareness that others may be more sensitive of this topic and more aware of the hidden sorrow others are harboring.
I don't want anyone to feel that I'm being preachy. Mostly, I just want everyone to know that they are not alone.
Right now, I want every woman reading this to know that you are not alone. Even if I am the only other person you know who is experiencing this heartache, you are not alone. This has been a long road and I've experienced many emotions. There were many days where I was bitter. There were many days where I was jealous. And I'm sad thinking about all the times I questioned God and felt like my personal injustice was so incredibly unfair. What did I do to deserve this? And even when I realized that it was pride and that I was so proud as to think that I was above mortal trials, I still would have days where I struggled with just not being bitter. But every time I repented and turned to the Savior for comfort and for solace, He was there. Every time. 3 Nephi 22 started to stock my shelf of favorite scriptures:
"With everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee."
"For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee"
And John 14:27 was on constant replay in my mind:
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid"
But there were other emotions. I felt so guilty. I couldn't give my husband something that would be so wonderful and special, something that would make him so happy. Again, I felt inadequate.
And sometimes I was mad. When they learned I had no children, people I had just met would make some statement insinuating that we were selfish, or would inform me that we shouldn't wait very long. And then most of the time they would walk away. There it was. I wasn't worth a conversation anymore because they disagreed with my supposed policy on waiting to have children. I got so caught up in being angry at their judging that I failed to notice the obvious lesson. If anything, I should have learned how easy it is to judge incorrectly, and how hurtful quick judgments can be. My friend Sarah reminded me today that "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see". My heartache should have made me more sensitive to others who were quietly suffering, but I was too focused on being offended.
I hope that my experiences will not only comfort those who are faced with the same trial, but will raise such an awareness that others may be more sensitive of this topic and more aware of the hidden sorrow others are harboring.
I don't want anyone to feel that I'm being preachy. Mostly, I just want everyone to know that they are not alone.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
IUI or, in other words, The Big Day
Yesterday we did the IUI, or intrauterine insemination. Felipe did his thing and then an hour later we went back for the actual procedure. I was in the exam room, half naked, for a full half hour before the nurse came in. At first I was annoyed, but then I was grateful that I had that time to calm myself down and just prepare mentally for everything. People kept telling me that if I was stressed the IUI wouldn't work, so I stressed myself out trying not to be stressed, and then was stressed when I realized that I was stressed from trying not to be stressed. So the half hour was good for calming my nerves.
The nurse brought in the sperm in a big long tube and had me verify the names printed on the label. She wanted to make sure we had the right "donor". I suppose it would be "fun" to give birth to a black or Asian baby, but Felipe Portus was the name on the label so I'm sure we'll be fine. The procedure was a little uncomfortable, but nothing like the HSG, for which I was grateful. She did have a hard time getting the sperm tube in, saying something about my cervix leaning, so she had to get a different tool. They had me lay on the bed for 10 minutes following the IUI and instructed me to have sex that night and following morning as well. They also prescribed yet another hormone, Progesterone, that I'll take for the next 2 weeks.
And now we wait.
Wait and
wait
and wait.
In two weeks I'll go back in and they'll do a blood pregnancy test. If positive, HURRAH! If not, we start all over.
Last night I bought three baby outfits. I couldn't help it! I'm excited, but don't want to get my hopes up because I don't want to be picking up too many pieces if the blood test is negative.
This will be a long two weeks.
The nurse brought in the sperm in a big long tube and had me verify the names printed on the label. She wanted to make sure we had the right "donor". I suppose it would be "fun" to give birth to a black or Asian baby, but Felipe Portus was the name on the label so I'm sure we'll be fine. The procedure was a little uncomfortable, but nothing like the HSG, for which I was grateful. She did have a hard time getting the sperm tube in, saying something about my cervix leaning, so she had to get a different tool. They had me lay on the bed for 10 minutes following the IUI and instructed me to have sex that night and following morning as well. They also prescribed yet another hormone, Progesterone, that I'll take for the next 2 weeks.
And now we wait.
Wait and
wait
and wait.
In two weeks I'll go back in and they'll do a blood pregnancy test. If positive, HURRAH! If not, we start all over.
Last night I bought three baby outfits. I couldn't help it! I'm excited, but don't want to get my hopes up because I don't want to be picking up too many pieces if the blood test is negative.
This will be a long two weeks.
The Golden Egg
As my Dad so aptly pointed out during his last visit, my whole life right now seems to revolve around eggs (I've recently been on a hard boiled egg kick as well as a "let's fertilize every egg in my body" kick). At my ultrasound on Tuesday they measured the eggs in my ovaries to see if there were any ready to be released and to see how well the drugs worked. There was one egg in my right ovary that was 18 in diameter (I don't know the units of measurement) and the nurse doing the ultrasound said they would do the artificial insemination the following day (which was yesterday). I was in shock-everything was moving so fast. I didn't even know the nurse's name. She told me to call my husband and see what time worked for him to "collect" his sperm, and then to go make the appointment. Felipe was surprised when I called him. The decision to do artificial insemination was made just one week to the day from my very first appointment. We were absolutely jumping right in!
We made plans for Felipe to be at the clinic at 1 for the "collection" and then the procedure for the insemination was scheduled for 2:30. They needed an hour to wash and prep the sperm. They gave me a trigger shot of HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) to stimulate ovulation. That shot is the only one I can remember having that made the injection site sore for a couple days.
I was also given a prescription of Estradiol to help thicken my uterine lining. Over the course of one week I put 4 different hormones into my body, which hopefully won't cause any long-term effects.
I was really nervous for my next appointment. I worried that they might find something wrong with Felipe's sperm and it wouldn't be usable, but I was mostly nervous for how sad I would be if the procedure didn't work. We said a lot of prayers and did a lot of reminding ourselves that the Lord has a plan for us and our family.
Felipe gave me a priesthood blessing the morning of the procedure which didn't give me much hope for this cycle, but it did give me peace. And peace is what I need. With peace you can remember that the Lord has a plan and with peace you can face each trial and disappointment with confidence and faith. Throughout this long experience of ours I have been very grateful for a husband who holds the priesthood and can give me priesthood blessings, for a husband that lovingly reminds me the Lord has a plan and is looking out for us, and for a husband who will just hold me while I cry. This is the clearest example of a trial in my life when I could honestly say that I am grateful for the trial. It has really truly brought me closer to the Lord and closer to Felipe. I feel so blessed to have this foundation.
HSG
I absolutely hated the HSG (hysterosalpingogram). I think my experience was worse than most, so don't panic if you have one in the future. The point of this test is to see if there are any blockages through your uterus and ovaries. They insert a catheter way up you and then release dye, all the while watching its progress on a monitor to make sure the dye can travel through your tubes unhindered. Not a terrible procedure but Dr. Conway had a hard time seeing one of my tubes, some sort of problem with my cervix. I was managing the discomfort just fine until she told me that she'd have to insert something else into my body to help stabilize my cervix. Keep in mind the speculum and catheter were already having a party in my body, so space was limited. This is where the death started. It was all I could do to keep myself from telling her to pull everything out and stop. The only prep I had for this procedure was that it might be "a bit crampy". Oh, crampy I was! She had to reposition the tools a couple times and each time I felt like a water balloon that had burst. By the time she was done and I was able to sit up and dress and clean up, there were puddles of fluid on the exam table, the stool, and the floor. They told me to expect some cramping over the next few days as the dye was absorbed by my body. The whole thing was painful, but at least it was relatively quick. I don't think it took longer than 15 minutes. I did bleed a little after, but they told me that was normal. At least we were able to rule out any blockages, as everything was clear. I'm glad I won't have to go through that experience again.
Let the Guessing Commence
We moved back to Utah in
March, just a few weeks ago. Almost as
soon as we were back I scheduled an appt with Utah Fertility Center in Pleasant
Grove. I was really nervous for my first
appt. I felt like I had to dress really
nice and look really good to compensate for my perceived lack of womanhood by
not being able to conceive. I still consciously dress for my appts, but only
really focus on wearing fun socks since that’s what they’ll be seeing at each
ultrasound and procedure ha. It was hard
walking into my first appt because as soon as I stepped foot inside everybody
knew exactly why I was there. At least
at regular dr appts you have a sense of anonymity. Walking into Utah Fertility
Center didn't leave much up to the imagination as to why I was there. I know, of course, that there's nothing wrong with me because we have no baby, but I still can't help but feel embarrassed or guilty when it comes up. I feel like less of a woman and inadequate.
I met with Dr. Conway and
instantly liked her. I told her we’d
been trying to have a baby for a long time and we were ready to jump right in. What I really liked about her was that she
actually listened to me. She didn’t try
to tell me to just try longer, to time sex differently, or that we were doing
everything wrong. She was on board with
what I wanted, and so we proceeded. That
appt, and every one since, has been a whirlwind of drugs and information.
At my first appt I had an
ultrasound to see what my uterus and ovaries looked like. Turns out my uterus is tipped backwards,
which she said I share with 1 in 10 women (including my sister and my Mom) and
that it didn’t make one bit of difference.
She counted and measured the eggs in my ovaries and said everything
looked great. She started me on Clomid
and gave me instructions on how to self-administer Bravelle, a hormone designed
to stimulate the follicles in my ovaries.
We set up an appt for two days later to do a hysterosalpingogram (hsg)
and then another appt for the next Tuesday to do a follow-up ultrasound to see if the drugs worked.
I dutifully took the
Clomid and called the pharmacy (Avella) to have them ship the Bravelle
injections to me. Each single use vial of Bravelle was $60 and they shipped me
three, totaling $180. I reminded myself
that we were all in and paid for the ability to stick myself with a needle. So great.
I did feel overwhelmed after that first appointment, but I also felt hopeful. It was so refreshing to finally be taking steps forward. We were no longer on our own month after month, enduring what we call "utilitarian sex" in the hopes of conceiving. I came away from the appt feeling that conception was again a possibility.
I did feel overwhelmed after that first appointment, but I also felt hopeful. It was so refreshing to finally be taking steps forward. We were no longer on our own month after month, enduring what we call "utilitarian sex" in the hopes of conceiving. I came away from the appt feeling that conception was again a possibility.
Undetermined Infertility
We have what is called "undetermined infertility". It means that we are both healthy and there's no obvious reason why we shouldn't have a large and boisterous family, but we still can't conceive. Felipe had an semen analysis (SA) in July, just before we moved to Oregon. Turned out he had a low sperm count and abnormal shapes so we delved into a life of zinc supplements, pumpkin seeds, and loose fitting boxers for use when Felipe exercised.
My gusto and Felipe's willingness to do whatever my next suggestion was only lasted for about a month. In January, one year after the Dr. in Utah told me that we just needed to keep trying, Felipe had an appointment with a urologist in Hillsboro. He described his appointment as nothing less than rape, poor guy. I'm sure it wasn't quite that bad but it was invasive and Felipe is very private. But because of the appointment we learned that Felipe has a varicocele. The valves in the vein that carry blood from his scrotum back up to his kidneys are damaged, making it hard for the blood to travel all the way back up. Instead, it starts to pool inside his scrotum, heating the sperm to the point that they may become damaged. He had another SA at that appointment and the Dr. advised Felipe to have surgery to fix the damaged valve unless the SA showed that his sperm were fine. Lo and behold, the results came back and the sperm were just fine, happily swimming on their merry way, I'm sure. So we now had a possible culprit to our problems, but the results weren't decisive enough to justify the $6000 surgery. Felipe eats a lot of fruits and vegetables each day and we strongly believe that the main factor in turning around his sperm count and improving the quality was that we switched to buying mostly organic fruits and vegetables, which was a lot easier in Oregon than it is here in Utah.
Now we were back to square one.
My gusto and Felipe's willingness to do whatever my next suggestion was only lasted for about a month. In January, one year after the Dr. in Utah told me that we just needed to keep trying, Felipe had an appointment with a urologist in Hillsboro. He described his appointment as nothing less than rape, poor guy. I'm sure it wasn't quite that bad but it was invasive and Felipe is very private. But because of the appointment we learned that Felipe has a varicocele. The valves in the vein that carry blood from his scrotum back up to his kidneys are damaged, making it hard for the blood to travel all the way back up. Instead, it starts to pool inside his scrotum, heating the sperm to the point that they may become damaged. He had another SA at that appointment and the Dr. advised Felipe to have surgery to fix the damaged valve unless the SA showed that his sperm were fine. Lo and behold, the results came back and the sperm were just fine, happily swimming on their merry way, I'm sure. So we now had a possible culprit to our problems, but the results weren't decisive enough to justify the $6000 surgery. Felipe eats a lot of fruits and vegetables each day and we strongly believe that the main factor in turning around his sperm count and improving the quality was that we switched to buying mostly organic fruits and vegetables, which was a lot easier in Oregon than it is here in Utah.
Now we were back to square one.
21st Century Mother
I want to start this off by stating that Felipe supports this blog and that I have him proof each entry before I post. This is a very personal and emotional topic and I don't want either of us to be uncomfortable sharing this part of our lives. That being said, the main purpose of writing and sharing all this is in the hopes that you may have some advice, tips, or words of encouragement for us and that we in turn may provide the same to those going down the same road we are. If our experiences can help anyone out there, I'd be thrilled.
The decision to start a family is a major decision. It's very personal, and for us, spiritual. When we were dating and first married we both felt that waiting about two years was a good amount of time. We wanted time to be with each other and figure out marriage before adding a baby into the mix. How quickly we learned that the Lord's plan is not our own! The first time we went to the temple after our wedding we both had distinct impressions that we needed to start our family. We were married the last day of March and I didn't go off birth control until July. Those three months in between were months spent trying to convince each other it was time. More accurately, it was time spent trying to convince Felipe. I was on board from day one ha.
The next few months were full of hope! I had no idea what we were getting into. We even took a trip to Disneyland, buying little souvenirs for the tiny thing that might have been in my stomach. Fast forward to January: I had been charting for several months and still no baby. I felt like each month was broken into two 2 week periods; the first 2 weeks were hope and dutiful sex while the last two were waning hope and eventual disappointment. This was probably the period where I most questioned why God had told us to move forward and why He supposedly wasn't helping us out. I went to the dr for something unrelated and brought up my concerns that it had been 7 months and no luck. She just told me that this takes time and told us to time sex differently. I knew something was wrong then because I had been charting for so long. We were educated people. We knew how to time sex. She wasn't any help.
We quickly learned that there is a major difference between love-making and baby-making. We had only been married half a year and sex became a chore, or a duty. It became a means to an end. Closer to the summer we decided to stop focusing so much on having a baby and to just let what happen, happen. There was still a deep desire for a baby, but life became so much less stressful and we were just able to enjoy being newlyweds again.
This was about the time I started feeling like our family was incomplete. I started feeling an unseen push. There was one distinct time where Felipe and I were on a walk and I just kept looking around, certain we were missing someone.
I believe this was the catalyst for our next stage, the fertility testing stage. The stage of poking, prodding, and endless hormones.
The decision to start a family is a major decision. It's very personal, and for us, spiritual. When we were dating and first married we both felt that waiting about two years was a good amount of time. We wanted time to be with each other and figure out marriage before adding a baby into the mix. How quickly we learned that the Lord's plan is not our own! The first time we went to the temple after our wedding we both had distinct impressions that we needed to start our family. We were married the last day of March and I didn't go off birth control until July. Those three months in between were months spent trying to convince each other it was time. More accurately, it was time spent trying to convince Felipe. I was on board from day one ha.
The next few months were full of hope! I had no idea what we were getting into. We even took a trip to Disneyland, buying little souvenirs for the tiny thing that might have been in my stomach. Fast forward to January: I had been charting for several months and still no baby. I felt like each month was broken into two 2 week periods; the first 2 weeks were hope and dutiful sex while the last two were waning hope and eventual disappointment. This was probably the period where I most questioned why God had told us to move forward and why He supposedly wasn't helping us out. I went to the dr for something unrelated and brought up my concerns that it had been 7 months and no luck. She just told me that this takes time and told us to time sex differently. I knew something was wrong then because I had been charting for so long. We were educated people. We knew how to time sex. She wasn't any help.
We quickly learned that there is a major difference between love-making and baby-making. We had only been married half a year and sex became a chore, or a duty. It became a means to an end. Closer to the summer we decided to stop focusing so much on having a baby and to just let what happen, happen. There was still a deep desire for a baby, but life became so much less stressful and we were just able to enjoy being newlyweds again.
This was about the time I started feeling like our family was incomplete. I started feeling an unseen push. There was one distinct time where Felipe and I were on a walk and I just kept looking around, certain we were missing someone.
I believe this was the catalyst for our next stage, the fertility testing stage. The stage of poking, prodding, and endless hormones.
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