I don't have an especially high opinion of myself right now so I've refrained from posting for a while. I've thought about a new post almost every day, I just haven't brought myself to do it yet. But here it is, and it's not going to be pretty. I hope this post won't lessen people's opinions of me but I know I'm going to come off as a whiny, ungrateful, selfish wimp. So be it. I decided to finally post some of what I'm thinking and feeling in the hopes that on someone else's dark night, when they feel forsaken, forgotten, or alone, or when they are just really being hard on themselves, they can take some comfort in knowing that they're not the only one out there struggling with these emotions.
It has been a really hard week for me. I feel like giving up all the time. I know that this is only my second month of fertility treatments and it's already feeling like it's too much for me. I don't know how much more I can take of the false hope and vain attempts. Didn't somebody define insanity as trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? I must be going insane. And how could I be crumbling after only two months? So many women, braver than I, have done this month after month after month. And they can do so with their heads held high. It is a hard realization when one realizes that they're not really strong, or brave, or courageous. Why can't I have more fortitude? Why can't I have more faith?
I have to admit that I'm afraid of what next week will bring. I'm afraid of how I'll react if the blood test is negative again. I was so devastated last month and I'm embarrassed to admit that I kept having thoughts of hurting myself. I was so mad at my body. I've never had that problem before and I pushed those thoughts aside, but I'm afraid of the possibility of facing them again next week. Why am I so very weak? What is my problem? So many people go through things much worse than I and do so well.
There have been moments of bright sunlight over the past few weeks, but they are just brief pinpricks through the dark ominous clouds. I have a moment of comfort and faith, but then I forget and go back into despondency. I think my poor husband is at wits end. He is so good, and faithful, and tries so hard to make me happy but doesn't know what to do to help me. I don't know what to do to help me. I feel like I'm a leech in my marriage. He works hard all day and then comes home and works to make me happy. I feel like I have nothing to offer, nothing to bring to the table of our marriage. The other night when I confessed to him how much I was really struggling, he suggested that I sing my favorite hymn or primary song when I have undesired thoughts. He said that that was what he does when he has bad days, which surprised me, because he doesn't seem to really have any bad days. He said that on his own bad days he feels better when he gets home because he focuses on making me happy. I felt horrendous. Horrible. How could I have been so self absorbed to not notice that he had bad days? I felt so ashamed. And selfish.
The pressure is on for me to be pregnant because we decided to take May off in order to save money. We're really feeling the financial strain and adding more stress to our lives is not helping. I know I should get a job. I feel guilty, always so guilty, that Felipe is working and sacrificing while I'm at home. I'm nervous to add a job to my life right now. I feel so drained by trying to have a baby that I'm nervous to add a job and its stress to everything. And then I feel guilty that I'm so drained. And so weak. And so inadequate. We don't have much money to get us from now until Felipe's next paycheck, and I'm still reluctant to get a job. What is wrong with me? We have always been blessed to have what we need, and so blessed that we can stay with family right now. We're also blessed that all our bills between now and the next paycheck are paid. Paying tithing on Sunday was really such an act of faith. And paying a fast offering; it was such a pittance, but it knocked out our checking account by almost 50%. I did feel comfort and my mind was clear as I put the check into the envelope, so why am I so quick to forget? I know we'll make it but there's nothing like living on the edge that really gets your blood (or tears) flowing. This has to be a lesson in humility. Every day I see that we couldn't make it without the Lord's help. Everyday that's evident to me. So why am I so quick to forget that the Lord is by my side? I feel like I could line up right next to Laman and Lemuel and get a tongue lashing from Nephi about being quick to forget.
So these are my thoughts. I'm sorry they're depressing and vulgar and so raw. I'm embarrassed. And I feel so guilty when people tell me I'm brave. If only they knew what really went on in my heart as I lie in bed each night. I know that eventually things will be better, but right now this is how I feel. There is a dark side to infertility and sometimes I wonder if everyone struggles like I do. Everyone else in the waiting room at the fertility clinic looks so happy and together. What is the secret I'm missing?
Felipe has to give me nightly reminders that God has a plan, that we need to have faith, that He loves us and that we have to do our part. All I want to do is give up. Why does he have it all so together? Why does everyone have it together? I hope in a week I can learn I'm pregnant and can look back on this post and my feelings and give a slight chuckle and look forward to the future, embarrassed that I ever felt such doubt and had such dark thoughts. And I really hope you don't think less of me, though I do hope you don't think very highly of me. Just a happy medium will be fine, thank you.
Lauren, I want you to know you're NOT alone in feeling this way. I've been there too--everything you said rang true. I've felt like it was my fault, like my body was the problem. I felt like I was a burden in our marriage and couldn't believe how strong and faithful Richard remained. I felt like he deserved a better wife, someone that could bless him with kids. I had days where it hurt just to breathe. Sometimes I would cry and cry and cry and cry until I'd make myself sick. I was only on Clomid for 4 months, but I wanted to give up over and over again. I didn't want to take any more tests or drugs or ovulation tests. I wanted to throw my basil body temp thermometer in the garbage. At times, I really couldn't see the point of life because all I've ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. 15+ months was torture.
ReplyDeleteBUT these thoughts aren't from Heavenly Father. In fact, none of them are true. And somehow I found the strength to manage one more prayer or ask for one more blessing, and that's literally how I made it through. Heavenly Father IS aware of you and what you're going through. He WILL bless you with kids. When you're at the lowest of lows and literally crying out, "I can't do this anymore!" He will be there and He will bless you. Be honest and open with Him: tell Him how you feel. I found when I finally opened up and told Him EXACTLY how I was feeling (the good and the bad), I received the greatest peace. And it wasn't long after my candid conversation with Him that I found out I was expecting. He has a plan for all of us, and He doesn't expect perfection. Do the best you can and let Him know you're doing the best you can. He loves you so much.
Hang in there, Lauren! I know things will get better. Satan works the hardest on you right before the miracle and blessings, and it sounds like that's what he's doing now. If you once felt prompted to begin your family, then it's the right thing to do. Don't doubt it. Don't give up. Things will get better. The Lord is preparing you for your future role as a Mother. :) Don't feel guilty about not having a job. For me, it was a blessing that I was working because it helped me take my mind off of things, but everyone is different. Do what you and your husband feel is best and don't let it eat at you.
I'm not trying to advertise this, but I had an amazing experience with Elder Holland in the Q&A filming of his newest book, For Times of Trouble. One lady, a member of my ward, actually asked him specifically why she couldn't have kids and how to deal with it. His answer was amazing. I recommend the book, which comes with the DVD. It helped me during my darkest month. And a few of the other segments are very poignant. One thing he talked about was how Heavenly Father will always give us what we want unless He has something better in mind. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
I'm sorry I've written you a novel, but I want you to know you're not alone. Please let me know if you ever want to talk! :) You're doing great!
Lauren I gained 80 lbs in 3 mo the first time we did treatments. I picked up a couch and threw it at Jason. It took a year and a new doc to start again.
ReplyDeleteIt can bring out the worst when your body betrays you. Especially when you know that it will work. When you have been commanded by the Lord promised even.
Felipe loves you, he understands your feelings share them with him even if they are scary. You are ok to feel this way, everyone will have hard days. I still feel this way and it worked for me before. Don't put yourself down. What is important is who you become through this trial but just make sure that person becomes closer to her husband and her Father in Heaven.
"Oh my gosh!" was all I could think when I saw this video: http://youtu.be/xmpYnxlEh0c
ReplyDeleteNot that I'm belittling your feelings. You are absolutely justified in them, and THANK YOU for sharing. Really. As I said, it will be exactly what someone else needs to hear. These things make you REAL. Don't be embarrassed, please. These are feelings we all had/have, regardless of what our struggles are. But don't ever believe them. (There's a difference between believing and thinking, you know.)
I had a lot of suicidal thoughts when I was finally pregnant. I dwelt on the idea of abortion nightly. I know, I know, this from someone who fought so hard for five years to finally have a pregnancy that worked. But I couldn't help it. It sucked. I felt miserable, all the time. Eventually I realized these were demons whispering in my ear; Satan had sent his forces in huge numbers to persuade me from my course, and they were succeeding. I never did rid myself entirely of them. But I prayed so hard for help. And God sent help. I had angels by my side waging war on those demons (not an exaggeration). God will send His angels for you, too.
Express those feelings, those thoughts. But don't let them win. You and God will be victorious. Promise.
http://wildtofu.blogspot.com/2013/04/from-shadows-into-glorious-sunshine.html
ReplyDeleteThis was my take on Lorenzo Snow's chapter 7. I think it might be particularly appropriate for you now. Maybe it can be just one more moment of sunlight.
Thank you for this post. It reminds me of my most commonly blogged emotions... It SO hard to be positive all the time. I just want to scream and cry most of the time, but I push it aside and have a big breakdown once or twice a month rather than small ones daily. :) I don't really know which is better sometimes... It often feels as though this trial is so hard no one else could experience a more difficult trial if they tried! But then I remind myself that there are other trials that would be even more difficult than infertility. I went to India for 2 weeks a few years back and saw first hand what many of those trials look like. In the end I just have to remind myself that no matter what happens, I have Russ. And I can have children, even if they're adopted. You know? And we've been struggling with it longer than you but we haven't tried any procedures or major hormone affecting drugs like you have. I don't know that I could have a procedure like an IUI and have negative results without a complete and total meltdown. Just Tuesday I had a mental breakdown for no reason. Out of the blue I couldn't handle it. And I'll be honest, I am not going to church on Sunday. Because it's mother's day. And last year just about killed me. So yeah. This post is real, it's honest, and it's exactly how all of us feel at some point in our trial of infertility. So thanks again. Good luck you guys. You'll get there. Probably much sooner than us! :)
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