Waiting is not a game; it's torture, or nigh unto it. I had my blood test this morning and now will wait until almost six pm (7 hours from now) before I get the results. Felipe wants to find out the same time I do so I ask the clinic to leave the results in a voicemail and then Felipe and I listen to it together when he gets home from work. The time between getting the voicemail and Felipe coming home is THE WORST. Last month he was at least a half hour late coming home and I was about ready to rip him to shreds. When I asked him why he was late he said he had stopped to help someone on the side of the road who had a flat tire. Typical. How can you get mad at your good Samaritan husband?
In other news, thank you to everyone who sent me kind words after my last post's rant. Rest assured that I have not lost the faith and am not going to commit suicide, I just needed to share what I was feeling and thinking. Dark times happen and how can you appreciate joy and happiness if you never feel the opposite? If the joy you feel is directly related to the despair you feel, then I will most likely burst with joy just as I was bursting with despair. I certainly hope that in 7 short hours I can tell the world I'm pregnant. I'll admit though that I am a bit reluctant to post that I'm pregnant because I know a lot of people who read my blog are going through fertility issues too and I know if the roles were reversed I'd be so bitter for someone else to be pregnant while I was not. I'm pretty sure I would be secretly hoping that the other person wouldn't be pregnant, just so I would not feel alone in not having a baby. I'm no saint. So if I am pregnant, I apologize to everyone else and if it turns out I'm not, then please keep your smug happiness to yourself. Surely you are all better people than I am, though, and this won't be an issue for you. :)
And in further news, we signed a contract yesterday for our own place. Finally! After almost one year of living with different family members, we are so thrilled to be out on our own again. I don't want to sound ungrateful; it has been such a blessing being with different family and we had a lot of fun and really enjoyed it, but I just want to feel like we're really our own, mature, adult people again. We're actually moving into our friends' apartment since they're moving to California (which is so very sad-for us), so we're already quite familiar with the apartment and I'm already planning in my head where to put things. I'm super looking forward to trips to Ikea again! We'll surely make many trips since our furniture right now consists of a bed, a tv, and multiple bookshelves. We'll be sparse for a while, but it'll be worth it. And it'll be close to both of our jobs, which will be really helpful since we share our one car. And yes, I'm working too. I'm going back to my old job, starting next Tuesday. I'm a little anxious, but the money will be so helpful. We still haven't decided if we'll go through fertility treatment this next cycle if I'm not pregnant. I really want to, but our finances are stretched pretty thin and now we have a deposit and first month's rent to pay, and our first two months of fertility fun will soon be catching up with us. I just got a notice in the mail saying $1600 worth of bills is currently pending at insurance so I expect to see those bills quite soon. It may be the most prudent course to save money for a month and then try again, but my heart isn't always on board with being prudent. We'll just have to wait and see.
Fingers crossed, everybody, and here's to the best!
Congrats on your own place!! We've been in that situation, living with family for so long, and it's definitely harder once you're used to being a grown-up independent adult. Also, I hope working feels good for you. I found the waiting part passed fastest when I was working, even if I wasn't paid for it.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you're pregnant, too. I think because you've been so honest in how this trial has affected you, most couples in the same situation will feel relieved and hopeful. If you're not, and you decide to take a month off, at least as "off" as you can be in this, think of it as a healthy break. All these fertility treatments really do scary things to your body, and sometimes your body does better without them. 2/4 of our pregnancies happened between fertility treatments (they didn't work out, but that was for different reasons).