Well friends, sometimes life sucks. And sometimes you are sad. I don't even have anything inspirational to say yet. To my surprise, I did not burst into tears. But I'm sure that will come. And you know what? I'm still going to go buy a cute baby outfit. Because my day WILL come. And I'm going to watch Psych tonight. I can still be happy, even when faced with disappointment, right? Right. Happiness is a choice. There. Done. Stayed tuned for month two. I'll go in next week to start all over again. The nurse who left me the voicemail said my doctor wants to change the medications, so I'm sure I'm in for an adventure.
Thank you, all, for your prayers and kind thoughts. I wish you all the best in your trials, too.
I'm so sorry, Lauren! I'm glad you're not giving up. It's definitely a hard time, and I admire you for keep such a positive perspective. Hopefully next month will have different results. :)
ReplyDeleteHang in there. A friend shared your blog with me because I've been where you are. For five years. (Don't expect yours to be so long; you're doing everything right.)
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I'm composing a personal letter for you about our experience--and success. Wait for it; it's a little hard to put into words, as you know. But just know you are NOT ALONE.
Oh you are so sweet. I already just love you. Five whole years makes me want to cry. I can't believe you made it through. You are amazing!
Deleteyour aunt pointed me here... and turns out you can help me and i'll "pretend" to help you...because let's be honest, there is absolutely NOTHING I can say to make you feel better. After we lost our first baby after IVF (after 6 years of marriage, a masters degree, and pretending everything was fine) i was MISERABLE. After the second time I wouldn't come out of my room for days. I had to work and pretend like everything was fine. The first time wasn't as bad as the second. The first time I called everyone I knew who had IVF previously so they could talk me down from the ledge... tell me it will get better and all of that...you just need a spark of hope. So here it is, your spark....we got our baby after the THIRD IVF... I HAVE to have IVF every time. I cannot conceive a baby without it. In fact, we have to have two special procedures done every time, too. Life sucks, it's not fair. I'm still bitter. It doesn't go away. It really doesn't. All I can do is pray. There's a plan. For me. For you. I really hope you get your baby. Just keep that hope. Talk to people that have positive stories. It was the only way I got through it. It's the only way my friends that are doing it now are getting through it.
ReplyDeleteIf you can, help me - we are debating leaving the beautiful state of California and heading to SLC. Never lived there, never been there, and quite honestly your post about pregnant people everywhere makes me cringe. (see bitter note above). One of my hang ups is REs and whether or not the docs there can do the procedures we need done. Who is your doctor? Do you know if there is a female doctor around? I absolutely love my RE - the third one we saw and she was it! I am desperately sad about leaving, especially if I know she can get me pregnant and there might not be someone else who can. Any info you have would be appreciated. i can be reached at nrbradyatgmail.com
I just emailed you. Here's to the best!
DeleteNicolle! I can't believe how similar your experience is to mine. Two miscarriages, so many years of trying. It's crazy how there are so many of us and yet we aren't connected like we should be. Props to Lauren for starting this wonderful, open place where we can come together to support her and each other.
DeleteI will second that it doesn't get easier. Even AFTER you have your extra special little one, that bitterness just stays. I can't believe the way my heart still breaks every time someone announces they are pregnant. I still silently cry to heaven "Why?" and "It's just not FAIR!" Then I look at my infertile friends (what a cruel title) and think, "What do I have to feel bitter about?"
But the truth is, once you experience how impossibly hard it is to get pregnant, and especially once you experience the awful grief of losing a precious pregnancy, you simply can't understand how anyone could treat it so casually! As if there's anything casual about getting pregnant or staying pregnant. There isn't, and curse them all for acting like there is! I'm so glad I'm not alone in feeling that. I was beginning to worry I was just jaded.
And I'll be honest with you, Utah is just terrible for those of us with fertility struggles. There's no getting around it. There are babies and pregnant ladies EVERYWHERE. And they all look smug and pleased to us, and they all complain utterly unfairly about how hard pregnancy and motherhood is. Well, we know it's hard, but
what do THEY have on us?
BUT, there are doctors who can treat you. And, in fact, they look at you less suspiciously than those elsewhere. I always felt like I was getting strange looks from the other couples in the fertility clinic in OR(where we live now), because I was so OBVIOUSLY in my twenties, and they were, well, not. At least in Utah they understand how important babies are to you.
Best of luck! And may you find all our fellows in Utah who understand. Despite what you see, they are there. Lauren is proof. :)
If it makes you feel better, my parents were told they would NEVER have children. They had a 1 in 5,000,000 chance of ever conceiving. And - tada! - there are 4 of us (admittedly, after lots of treatments).
ReplyDeleteGood luck! Fingers crossed for next month!
Yeah your Dad shared your parents' story with me. So crazy! You're all miracles! We definitely do not have that many obstacles so I'm going to go on hoping. Keep those fingers crossed for us!
DeleteI think you are brave for sharing I could never do that, I suffer in silence. In the 5 years we tried for our princess. I learned a few things.
ReplyDelete1. It's ok to cry (I did for you reading this)
2. You are not alone in your suffering.
3. Most of your friends care more than they let on, so if they don't tell you about being pregnant or something like that it is out of love. And they don't know how else to react.
4. Your day will come. Maybe not as soon as you would like or how you would like but it will come.
5. This will make you stronger, as a person, in the gospel and in your marriage.
I appreciate you being willing to share. It helps me even now after all of these years as we try for our second.
To "sopher & nicole" Ut is where we got pregnant with our princess. There are some really great RE's in that area.
Liz, I feel like you should just come to Utah and we can be great friends :) Thanks for sharing what you learned. We're going to start month two and I already want to just be done with trying. I can't believe all the people who had the fortitude and courage to try year after year. My hat's off to you!
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