Tomorrow....

It's really rare in life that a person can pinpoint a day in the future as a day that might hold such significance in their life.  You can plan your college graduation and your wedding date but beyond that, there isn't really much we can plan in terms of life-changing events.  Most of our life's big moments just happen and we work it out as best we can, whether good or bad.  But tomorrow's the day I've been looking forward to and also dreading for the past two weeks. Tomorrow I'll go in for a simple blood test and then a stranger will tell me yes or no. That's it. Not a lot of hype for such a significant event. I've convinced myself that I'm not pregnant, not this time around.  I don't fill one bit different, not sick at all. I've also had some really faint spotting, a tell-tale sign of impending period doom.  It's physical clockwork, the monthly in-your-face insult that you are not pregnant.  It's bad enough that I have no baby in my arms, I also have to endure the monthly pain and discomfort.  It's like adding insult to injury.

But there's still hope.  There are always things I can do, even if it's just repeating what I've tried in the past.  If I'm not pregnant this month then we'll go through the same schedule again; the shots, ultrasounds, and popping hormones. And then another IUI. If the IUIs don't work after a couple cycles, we're going to move forward with LDS Family Services and their adoption program. They sometimes take years to place a baby so why not get started now? And why is adoption so very expensive?  There are so many unwanted pregnancies and neglected infants. I want to tell all the mothers considering abortion that not only are they taking away their child's life, they are taking away the chance for a man and a woman to be a father and a mother. I would be that mother. I would take their unwanted child.

So here's to tomorrow.  Whatever may come, I pray that I will not be bitter and that I won't be too disappointed. I pray that I can look forward and keep hope alive in my heart and I pray that I can have the courage to try month after month until we can finally complete our family. And while I'm at it, I might as well secretly pray that somebody will leave a baby on my doorstep (and that, miracle of miracles, the police and DCFS will allow me to keep him).

And for those of you who may be wondering, we did try to be foster parents a little over a year ago.  It was such an awful, horrendous, insulting, painful experience that we probably won't reconsider that approach until we have moved to a different state, since the rules and regulations vary so drastically depending on the state you're in.

So wish me the best of luck! And be assured that my favorite shirt is clean and ready to give me all its luck tomorrow :)