You Are Not Alone

I am so grateful for the many responses I've gotten from friends, family, and even strangers. I feel really loved and really supported and I feel blessed that I'm able to offer advice and encouragement to other women in the same boat I am in.  I even caught myself today saying a quick prayer thanking God for the opportunity I had to help other people and that other people could learn from my experiences, and then I gave an incredulous (inward) laugh because I realized that in essence I was thanking God for my experience with infertility! I am truly grateful, though, to be able to see in part how my trial is a blessing.

Right now, I want every woman reading this to know that you are not alone.  Even if I am the only other person you know who is experiencing this heartache, you are not alone.  This has been a long road and I've experienced many emotions. There were many days where I was bitter.  There were many days where I was jealous. And I'm sad thinking about all the times I questioned God and felt like my personal injustice was so incredibly unfair.  What did I do to deserve this? And even when I realized that it was pride and that  I was so proud as to think that I was above mortal trials, I still would have days where I struggled with just not being bitter. But every time I repented and turned to the Savior for comfort and for solace, He was there. Every time. 3 Nephi 22 started to stock my shelf of favorite scriptures:

"With everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee."

"For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee"

And John 14:27 was on constant replay in my mind:

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid"


But there were other emotions. I felt so guilty. I couldn't give my husband something that would be so wonderful and special, something that would make him so happy. Again, I felt inadequate.

And sometimes I was mad. When they learned I had no children, people I had just met would make some statement insinuating that we were selfish, or would inform me that we shouldn't wait very long. And then most of the time they would walk away. There it was.  I wasn't worth a conversation anymore because they disagreed with my supposed policy on waiting to have children.  I got so caught up in being angry at their judging that I failed to notice the obvious lesson. If anything, I should have learned how easy it is to judge incorrectly, and how hurtful quick judgments can be.  My friend Sarah reminded me today that "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see". My heartache should have made me more sensitive to others who were quietly suffering, but I was too focused on being offended.

I hope that my experiences will not only comfort those who are faced with the same trial, but will raise such an awareness that others may be more sensitive of this topic and more aware of the hidden sorrow others are harboring.

I don't want anyone to feel that I'm being preachy.  Mostly, I just want everyone to know that they are not alone.