Follicles

I never thought I would get so excited about the size of the follicles in my ovaries.  What an odd thing to get excited over! Trying to conceive is truly a whole other world.  I went in for another ultrasound today to measure the size of the follicles in my ovaries and schedule our second IUI. They have fancy new tv screens hooked up to the ultrasound machines so the women can see the picture of the ultrasound from the comfort of their stirrups.  Unfortunately, the one in my room wasn't set up all the way yet so the nurse was a little more descriptive than I'm used to and it all facilitated my question asking, which was great.  The biggest follicle in my right ovary was only at 12 (mm?), which is too little. The clinic wants to have the follicles be at least size 18 (which was all I had last month), so I was a little nervous that I wouldn't produce any quality eggs this cycle, but then she checked my left ovary and lo and behold TWO mature follicles, ready to burst.  They were at 26 and 20.5 and I got so excited, silly me. Follicles tend to grow 1-2 (mm?) per day so now I'm getting nervous that the 26 will be too big and just turn into a cyst.  There's always something to be nervous about.  But at least I'll have Mr. (Ms.) 20.5! The IUI is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.  Let's hope one of Felipe's MILLIONS of sperm can hit the mark and do the job and that 26 and/or 20.5 are receptive and good hosts.  Why yes, please, I'll take twins.

I had another happy surprise when I stopped by billing on my way out and was told that I have a -$230 balance on my account. Turns out I paid a bill that was covered by insurance so I have $230 credit and didn't have to pay the $85 for the trigger shot I brought home today.  If large follicles don't make you happy, then surely you can appreciate a surprise $230.  Fantastic.

Curse you Femara

I super hate Femara.  Did anyone else have problems with it? I feel like my head is going to explode all the day long. Yesterday I could feel my pulse in my head, enthusiastically throbbing away. True, I don't have the hot flashes and moodiness like I did with Clomid, but is the constant hammering in my head that much better? My head hurts, my ears hurt, even my teeth hurt. Thankfully tomorrow is my last dose and Femara has a half life of two days so I'll soon be feeling better, but that will be just in time to start the Bravelle injections.  How is one expected to conceive with all the stress of the drugs and shots? I don't know how people go through fertility treatments with full time jobs and/or other children.  My hat's off to all of you!

Take Two

And let it begin....again. Here we are for take two.  I had what they call a baseline ultrasound today. Honestly, I don't really know what they check.  I know they do the baseline at the start of each cycle and the ultrasound tech stands there and measures many different things.  I think that they check to make sure I don't have any cysts, check how many follicles I have in each ovary, and check my uterine lining. I saw a new person again today.  It's a little annoying that I keep seeing different people, and that they don't ever tell me their names.  I feel a little bit like I'm in a factory, just going down the assembly line and everybody gets a chance to prod me.  They are all really nice and proactive, which I appreciate, but I'm always going from person to person and feel like I don't have a clear picture of what's happening.  I ask a lot of questions but sometimes I don't know enough about the subject to even know what to ask.

For this cycle it seems that the only difference is that I'll be taking Femara for the next five days instead of Clomid. I am grateful for that because the dumb Clomid was giving me hot flashes...I didn't appreciate that glimpse into menopause!  The nurse told me that they switched me to Femara because my uterine lining is thin and Clomid has a side effect of working against the estrogen to make the lining thinner.  I'll do the Bravelle injections on Saturday and Monday and hopefully this time around it won't take me a full half hour to gather the courage to jab the needle into my stomach.  I wasn't a huge fan of that, although it was a little amusing to hear Felipe keep asking "Did you do it yet?" from the other room. He was too squeamish to watch...good thing we'll have 9+ months to work him up to being able to be at the delivery ha!

I go back next Tuesday for another ultrasound and will most likely do the IUI on the following day. I am grateful that there's not much time between the pregnancy blood test and starting treatment again.  It makes me feel like I'm working towards being pregnant without many days after finding out to stew over the negative blood test.

Positive thought: At least if I get pregnant from the IUI I'll know that the contributing sperm was the cream of the crop!

Here's to the Best!

This is my new motto: Here's to the Best! I'm picturing myself standing triumphant with a long sword in one hand and a chalice from the palace in the other, while the ferocious infertility dragon is lying slain at my feet.  And I raise my chalice and proclaim: Here's to the Best! The best will happen! Here's a secret: every last one of us has been promised, by the Lord, that the best for us will happen if we stay true and faithful.  Easy peasy, right? Well, no, not easy.  But worth it! This promise goes two ways, and I can guarantee that the giver of this promise will never fall short on His end, so it's all up to us.  My brain knows this and my testimony knows this and they're both working on my heart to get on board because I still cry and get angry and sad and frustrated, but in the end I'll still proclaim, Here's to the Best! Because the best will happen.

In the meantime, any person ever who tries to help you get out of a slum will tell you to make a list of things you're grateful for.  It's cliche, but it's tried and true to get you out of the blue. I have two specific things I want to share right now:

I am grateful for my super specific patriarchal blessing because, among other things, it promises that I will be a mother.  I will have children, in mortality, in this life, of my own flesh and blood.  It will happen! So I better stop being sad and just buck up.

And I'm also so very, incredibly grateful for a husband who drove home from work on his lunch hour, from Lehi, to give me a hug. He's real, ladies and gentlemen, and he did that for me, because he loves me, and that is the best.

No Baby. Of Course.

Well friends, sometimes life sucks.  And sometimes you are sad. I don't even have anything inspirational to say yet. To my surprise, I did not burst into tears. But I'm sure that will come.  And you know what? I'm still going to go buy a cute baby outfit.  Because my day WILL come.  And I'm going to watch Psych tonight.  I can still be happy, even when faced with disappointment, right? Right.  Happiness is a choice. There. Done. Stayed tuned for month two.  I'll go in next week to start all over again.  The nurse who left me the voicemail said my doctor wants to change the medications, so I'm sure I'm in for an adventure.

Thank you, all, for your prayers and kind thoughts. I wish you all the best in your trials, too.

This Is What Matters

No news yet.  But I wanted to share this.  I wanted to share what matters. I was very nervous all morning, before the blood test.  I was also very nervous in the waiting room, while I was waiting for the blood test.  I don't like the feeling  that there's nothing I can do to change the outcome and Felipe was texting me to help me calm down.  He told me that either way the test goes, we'll be together and love each other.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what matters.

Tomorrow....

It's really rare in life that a person can pinpoint a day in the future as a day that might hold such significance in their life.  You can plan your college graduation and your wedding date but beyond that, there isn't really much we can plan in terms of life-changing events.  Most of our life's big moments just happen and we work it out as best we can, whether good or bad.  But tomorrow's the day I've been looking forward to and also dreading for the past two weeks. Tomorrow I'll go in for a simple blood test and then a stranger will tell me yes or no. That's it. Not a lot of hype for such a significant event. I've convinced myself that I'm not pregnant, not this time around.  I don't fill one bit different, not sick at all. I've also had some really faint spotting, a tell-tale sign of impending period doom.  It's physical clockwork, the monthly in-your-face insult that you are not pregnant.  It's bad enough that I have no baby in my arms, I also have to endure the monthly pain and discomfort.  It's like adding insult to injury.

But there's still hope.  There are always things I can do, even if it's just repeating what I've tried in the past.  If I'm not pregnant this month then we'll go through the same schedule again; the shots, ultrasounds, and popping hormones. And then another IUI. If the IUIs don't work after a couple cycles, we're going to move forward with LDS Family Services and their adoption program. They sometimes take years to place a baby so why not get started now? And why is adoption so very expensive?  There are so many unwanted pregnancies and neglected infants. I want to tell all the mothers considering abortion that not only are they taking away their child's life, they are taking away the chance for a man and a woman to be a father and a mother. I would be that mother. I would take their unwanted child.

So here's to tomorrow.  Whatever may come, I pray that I will not be bitter and that I won't be too disappointed. I pray that I can look forward and keep hope alive in my heart and I pray that I can have the courage to try month after month until we can finally complete our family. And while I'm at it, I might as well secretly pray that somebody will leave a baby on my doorstep (and that, miracle of miracles, the police and DCFS will allow me to keep him).

And for those of you who may be wondering, we did try to be foster parents a little over a year ago.  It was such an awful, horrendous, insulting, painful experience that we probably won't reconsider that approach until we have moved to a different state, since the rules and regulations vary so drastically depending on the state you're in.

So wish me the best of luck! And be assured that my favorite shirt is clean and ready to give me all its luck tomorrow :)

Utah Fertility Center-Free Infertility Seminar

For any who may be interested, Utah Fertility Center is having a free infertility seminar tonight, April 10th, and tomorrow, April 11.  Tonight's will be in Provo from 6:30-8:30 and tomorrow's is in St George (the time isn't on the flyer).  The link to their flyer is here, which will include addresses.  RSVP by calling 801-492-9200.  If you attend, you get 50% off a consultation, which is $230 full price. So if you're like me and have no idea where to start for help conceiving, this might be really helpful. Good luck!

PS T-minus one week until the day of truth-aka blood test.  Ah!

Let's Have Some Happy

Utah Valley is probably one of THE WORST places to live when you're trying to have a baby. Every time I go out there are hordes of pregnant 20 year olds and droopy eyed college students toting toddlers and pushing strollers.  Excuse me, not only have I graduated college, I've also lived more years since high school than I spent there. Where's my baby prize?  One time when Felipe and I went to the dollar theater there was a group of 16-18 year olds in the parking lot smoking, skateboarding, and being obnoxious while an infant in a car seat watched from the sidewalk. When Felipe and I walked past the group, one of the teenagers hid the baby behind a column, causing another teenager a few seconds later to turn around and ask where his baby was.  I wanted to take that baby and run. Wouldn't I have been a better parent? At times like that I would sometimes ask God wouldn't He have rathered His precious spirit son or daughter have come to my family? I want to take all the babies and love them and teach them and protect them.  All things considered, I sometimes get down.  But I want the point of this post to share ways to keep spirits high.  I've compiled a list of activities that I like to do to keep from being depressed.  Feel free to share any other ideas.

1. I don't see any problem in having a little good luck charm.  I wore my current favorite shirt to my IUI. Let the luck flow!

2. Watch Psych.  I love that show! And who doesn't need more laughter? One of the episodes this season was modeled after the 1985 movie Clue, one of my all time favorite movies. What could get better than that? Besides being pregnant, of course.  Maybe when that happy day comes I'll watch that episode again and be at an all time happy high.

3. Declare a "we're not trying to conceive" month. Trying to have a baby means having a lot of sex,  and having sex as a means to an end is stressful. I don't think we even realized how much tension that was causing until we decided to stop focusing on conceiving for a couple months and just let life happen. We didn't stop having sex, but we stopped planning and timing and focusing and stressing and obsessing and it was so refreshing.

4. Buy baby clothes.  Go ahead, do it! If your husband is like mine, he won't understand the need but he will know that it's important to you. I bought some outfits when we first started trying, back when I was excited and hopeful and confident that in 9 short months I'd be holding my child, and then I bought three more outfits the day of my IUI. It's not very expensive to buy an outfit or two every few months. And when we finally do have a baby, having a few outfits ready to go will save us some money after spending so much on fertility treatments.

5. Find something in your life that you can control.  For me right now, that's food. We buy mostly organic food, raw food, and everything non GMO when possible.  I've done enough research to convince myself that this is healthier than the mainstream, but I'm not trying to push it on anyone.  It's just something that I can control.  I can help my body be healthy, I can take charge of what I put in my body, and it gives me something to focus on.

6. Spend time with your husband.  Chances are, your day will come.  If couples persevere (and spend oodles of money) their odds of having a baby are high. And then, from what I'm told, your lives will change forever.  Your family dynamic will have a dramatic change and alone time with your husband will drop.  You don't want to look back on that time that was just you and him and regret not taking advantage of those special years. Enjoy that time because while having a baby will be fantastic, you'll never get the period of your life back when it was just you and your husband.

7. Try not to be jealous that every person you've ever known is pregnant.  Being bitter and jealous is exhausting.

If none of this appeals to you, find your own way of coping.  It doesn't matter what it is as long as you find a way to keep yourself from burning out before your baby actually comes. And if you're a burned out, terrible parent, I may just come and "borrow" that baby from you :)

Happy coping!

You Are Not Alone

I am so grateful for the many responses I've gotten from friends, family, and even strangers. I feel really loved and really supported and I feel blessed that I'm able to offer advice and encouragement to other women in the same boat I am in.  I even caught myself today saying a quick prayer thanking God for the opportunity I had to help other people and that other people could learn from my experiences, and then I gave an incredulous (inward) laugh because I realized that in essence I was thanking God for my experience with infertility! I am truly grateful, though, to be able to see in part how my trial is a blessing.

Right now, I want every woman reading this to know that you are not alone.  Even if I am the only other person you know who is experiencing this heartache, you are not alone.  This has been a long road and I've experienced many emotions. There were many days where I was bitter.  There were many days where I was jealous. And I'm sad thinking about all the times I questioned God and felt like my personal injustice was so incredibly unfair.  What did I do to deserve this? And even when I realized that it was pride and that  I was so proud as to think that I was above mortal trials, I still would have days where I struggled with just not being bitter. But every time I repented and turned to the Savior for comfort and for solace, He was there. Every time. 3 Nephi 22 started to stock my shelf of favorite scriptures:

"With everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee."

"For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee"

And John 14:27 was on constant replay in my mind:

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid"


But there were other emotions. I felt so guilty. I couldn't give my husband something that would be so wonderful and special, something that would make him so happy. Again, I felt inadequate.

And sometimes I was mad. When they learned I had no children, people I had just met would make some statement insinuating that we were selfish, or would inform me that we shouldn't wait very long. And then most of the time they would walk away. There it was.  I wasn't worth a conversation anymore because they disagreed with my supposed policy on waiting to have children.  I got so caught up in being angry at their judging that I failed to notice the obvious lesson. If anything, I should have learned how easy it is to judge incorrectly, and how hurtful quick judgments can be.  My friend Sarah reminded me today that "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see". My heartache should have made me more sensitive to others who were quietly suffering, but I was too focused on being offended.

I hope that my experiences will not only comfort those who are faced with the same trial, but will raise such an awareness that others may be more sensitive of this topic and more aware of the hidden sorrow others are harboring.

I don't want anyone to feel that I'm being preachy.  Mostly, I just want everyone to know that they are not alone.

IUI or, in other words, The Big Day

Yesterday we did the IUI, or intrauterine insemination. Felipe did his thing and then an hour later we went back for the actual procedure. I was in the exam room, half naked, for a full half hour before the nurse came in.  At first I was annoyed, but then I was grateful that I had that time to calm myself down and just prepare mentally for everything.  People kept telling me that if I was stressed the IUI wouldn't work, so I stressed myself out trying not to be stressed, and then was stressed when I realized that I was stressed from trying not to be stressed. So the half hour was good for calming my nerves.

The nurse brought in the sperm in a big long tube and had me verify the names printed on the label.   She wanted to make sure we had the right "donor". I suppose it would be "fun" to give birth to a black or Asian baby, but Felipe Portus was the name on the label so I'm sure we'll be fine. The procedure was a little uncomfortable, but nothing like the HSG, for which I was grateful. She did have a hard time getting the sperm tube in, saying something about my cervix leaning, so she had to get a different tool.  They had me lay on the bed for 10 minutes following the IUI and instructed me to have sex that night and following morning as well.  They also prescribed yet another hormone, Progesterone, that I'll take for the next 2 weeks.

And now we wait.
Wait and
wait
and wait.

In two weeks I'll go back in and they'll do a blood pregnancy test.  If positive, HURRAH! If not, we start all over.

Last night I bought three baby outfits.  I couldn't help it! I'm excited, but don't want to get my hopes up because I don't want to be picking up too many pieces if the blood test is negative.

This will be a long two weeks.

The Golden Egg

As my Dad so aptly pointed out during his last visit, my whole life right now seems to revolve around eggs (I've recently been on a hard boiled egg kick as well as a "let's fertilize every egg in my body" kick).  At my ultrasound on Tuesday they measured the eggs in my ovaries to see if there were any ready to be released and to see how well the drugs worked.  There was one egg in my right ovary that was 18 in diameter (I don't know the units of measurement) and the nurse doing the ultrasound said they would do the artificial insemination the following day (which was yesterday).  I was in shock-everything was moving so fast.  I didn't even know the nurse's name.  She told me to call my husband and see what time worked for him to "collect" his sperm, and then to go make the appointment.  Felipe was surprised when I called him.  The decision to do artificial insemination was made just one week to the day from my very first appointment.  We were absolutely jumping right in!

We made plans for Felipe to be at the clinic at 1 for the "collection" and then the procedure for the insemination was scheduled for 2:30.  They needed an hour to wash and prep the sperm.  They gave me a trigger shot of HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) to stimulate ovulation. That shot is the only one I can remember having that made the injection site sore for a couple days.

I was also given a prescription of Estradiol to help thicken my uterine lining.  Over the course of one week I put 4 different hormones into my body, which hopefully won't cause any long-term effects.

I was really nervous for my next appointment.  I worried that they might find something wrong with Felipe's sperm and it wouldn't be usable, but I was mostly nervous for how sad I would be if the procedure didn't work.  We said a lot of prayers and did a lot of reminding ourselves that the Lord has a plan for us and our family.

Felipe gave me a priesthood blessing the morning of the procedure which didn't give me much hope for this cycle, but it did give me peace.  And peace is what I need.  With peace you can remember that the Lord has a plan and with peace you can face each trial and disappointment with confidence and faith.  Throughout this long experience of ours I have been very grateful for a husband who holds the priesthood and can give me priesthood blessings, for a husband that  lovingly reminds me the Lord has a plan and is looking out for us, and for a husband who will just hold me while I cry. This is the clearest example of a trial in my life when I could honestly say that I am grateful for the trial.  It has really truly brought me closer to the Lord and closer to Felipe. I feel so blessed to have this foundation.

HSG

I absolutely hated the HSG (hysterosalpingogram). I think my experience was worse than most, so don't panic if you have one in the future.  The point of this test is to see if there are any blockages through your uterus and ovaries.  They insert a catheter way up you and then release dye, all the while watching its progress on a monitor to make sure the dye can travel through your tubes unhindered.  Not a terrible procedure but Dr. Conway had a hard time seeing one of my tubes, some sort of problem with my cervix.  I was managing the discomfort just fine until she told me that she'd have to insert something else into my body to help stabilize my cervix.  Keep in mind the speculum and catheter were already having a party in my body, so space was limited. This is where the death started.  It was all I could do to keep myself from telling her to pull everything out and stop.  The only prep I had for this procedure was that it might be "a bit crampy".  Oh, crampy I was!  She had to reposition the tools a couple times and each time I felt like a water balloon that had burst.  By the time she was done and I was able to sit up and dress and clean up, there were puddles of fluid on the exam table, the stool, and the floor. They told me to expect some cramping over the next few days as the dye was absorbed by my body. The whole thing was painful, but at least it was relatively quick.  I don't think it took longer than 15 minutes. I did bleed a little after, but they told me that was normal.  At least we were able to rule out any blockages, as everything was clear. I'm glad I won't have to go through that experience again.

Let the Guessing Commence

We moved back to Utah in March, just a few weeks ago.  Almost as soon as we were back I scheduled an appt with Utah Fertility Center in Pleasant Grove.  I was really nervous for my first appt.  I felt like I had to dress really nice and look really good to compensate for my perceived lack of womanhood by not being able to conceive. I still consciously dress for my appts, but only really focus on wearing fun socks since that’s what they’ll be seeing at each ultrasound and procedure ha.  It was hard walking into my first appt because as soon as I stepped foot inside everybody knew exactly why I was there.  At least at regular dr appts you have a sense of anonymity. Walking into Utah Fertility Center didn't leave much up to the imagination as to why I was there. I know, of course, that there's nothing wrong with me because we have no baby, but I still can't help but feel embarrassed or guilty when it comes up.  I feel like less of a woman and inadequate. 

I met with Dr. Conway and instantly liked her.  I told her we’d been trying to have a baby for a long time and we were ready to jump right in.  What I really liked about her was that she actually listened to me.  She didn’t try to tell me to just try longer, to time sex differently, or that we were doing everything wrong.  She was on board with what I wanted, and so we proceeded.  That appt, and every one since, has been a whirlwind of drugs and information.

At my first appt I had an ultrasound to see what my uterus and ovaries looked like.  Turns out my uterus is tipped backwards, which she said I share with 1 in 10 women (including my sister and my Mom) and that it didn’t make one bit of difference.  She counted and measured the eggs in my ovaries and said everything looked great.  She started me on Clomid and gave me instructions on how to self-administer Bravelle, a hormone designed to stimulate the follicles in my ovaries.  We set up an appt for two days later to do a hysterosalpingogram (hsg) and then another appt for the next Tuesday to do a follow-up ultrasound to see if the drugs worked.

I dutifully took the Clomid and called the pharmacy (Avella) to have them ship the Bravelle injections to me. Each single use vial of Bravelle was $60 and they shipped me three, totaling $180.  I reminded myself that we were all in and paid for the ability to stick myself with a needle.  So great.  

I did feel overwhelmed after that first appointment, but I also felt hopeful.  It was so refreshing to finally be taking steps forward.  We were no longer on our own month after month, enduring what we call "utilitarian sex" in the hopes of conceiving. I came away from the appt feeling that conception was again a possibility.

Undetermined Infertility

We have what is called "undetermined infertility".  It means that we are both healthy and there's no obvious reason why we shouldn't have a large and boisterous family, but we still can't conceive.  Felipe had an semen analysis (SA) in July, just before we moved to Oregon.  Turned out he had a low sperm count and abnormal shapes so we delved into a life of zinc supplements, pumpkin seeds, and loose fitting boxers for use when Felipe exercised.

My gusto and Felipe's willingness to do whatever my next suggestion was only lasted for about a month.  In January, one year after the Dr. in Utah told me that we just needed to keep trying, Felipe had an appointment with a urologist in Hillsboro.  He described his appointment as nothing less than rape, poor guy. I'm sure it wasn't quite that bad but it was invasive and Felipe is very private.  But because of the appointment we learned that Felipe has a varicocele.  The valves in the vein that carry blood from his scrotum back up to his kidneys are damaged, making it hard for the blood to travel all the way back up.  Instead, it starts to pool inside his scrotum, heating the sperm to the point that they may become damaged.  He had another SA at that appointment and the Dr. advised Felipe to have surgery to fix the damaged valve unless the SA showed that his sperm were fine.  Lo and behold, the results came back and the sperm were just fine, happily swimming on their merry way, I'm sure.  So we now had a possible culprit to our problems, but the results weren't decisive enough to justify the $6000 surgery.  Felipe eats a lot of fruits and vegetables each day and we strongly believe that the main factor in turning around his sperm count and improving the quality was that we switched to buying mostly organic fruits and vegetables, which was a lot easier in Oregon than it is here in Utah.

Now we were back to square one.

21st Century Mother

I want to start this off by stating that Felipe supports this blog and that I have him proof each entry before I post.  This is a very personal and emotional topic and I don't want either of us to be uncomfortable sharing this part of our lives. That being said, the main purpose of writing and sharing all this is in the hopes that you may have some advice, tips, or words of encouragement for us and that we in turn may provide the same to those going down the same road we are. If our experiences can help anyone out there, I'd be thrilled.

The decision to start a family is a major decision.  It's very personal, and for us, spiritual.  When we were dating and first married we both felt that waiting about two years was a good amount of time.  We wanted time to be with each other and figure out marriage before adding a baby into the mix.  How quickly we learned that the Lord's plan is not our own!  The first time we went to the temple after our wedding we both had distinct impressions that we needed to start our family.  We were married the last day of March and I didn't go off birth control until July.  Those three months in between were months spent trying to convince each other it was time.  More accurately, it was time spent trying to convince Felipe. I was on board from day one ha.

The next few months were full of hope! I had no idea what we were getting into.  We even took a trip to Disneyland, buying little souvenirs for the tiny thing that might have been in my stomach.  Fast forward to January: I had been charting for several months and still no baby. I felt like each month was broken into two 2 week periods; the first 2 weeks were hope and dutiful sex while the last two were waning hope and eventual disappointment.  This was probably the period where I most questioned why God had told us to move forward and why He supposedly wasn't helping us out.  I went to the dr for something unrelated and brought  up my concerns that it had been 7 months and no luck.  She just told me that this takes time and told us to time sex differently.  I knew something was wrong then because I had been charting for so long.  We were educated people.  We knew how to time sex. She wasn't any help.

We quickly learned that there is a major difference between love-making and baby-making.  We had only been married half a year and sex became a chore, or a duty.  It became a means to an end.  Closer to the summer we decided to stop focusing so much on having a baby and to just let what happen, happen.  There was still a deep desire for a baby, but life became so much less stressful and we were just able to enjoy being newlyweds again.

This was about the time I started feeling like our family was incomplete. I started feeling an unseen push.  There was one distinct time where Felipe and I were on a walk and I just kept looking around, certain we were missing someone.

I believe this was the catalyst for our next stage, the fertility testing stage.  The stage of poking, prodding, and endless hormones.