Phillip's Birth Story (Part 2)

We checked into the laboring room at American Fork hospital around 4 am and Phillip was born at 11:22 am, after almost three hours of pushing, so from 4 am to about 8 I just labored as best I could. Felipe and Carrie were my champions.  They were amazing. I can't imagine giving birth without them. If you are on the fence about getting a doula, DO IT. She knew exactly what I needed when I needed it and just did it.  A heating pad on my back? Check.  Cool washcloth on my forehead? Check again. Some nice citrus bliss oil to smell? Encouraging words? A steady hand? Check, check, check. She was such a blessing to have and I really value the friendship.  She stayed with me almost that whole first day after Phillip was born, answering questions, helping me breastfeed, etc. I can not praise her enough. And then Felipe; just amazing.  A whole new part of him was born that day, too. Labor and delivery brought us closer together as nothing else ever has. He was at my side every minute of labor, pushing, and delivering. He was my rock. He would hold me and talk to me and told me every step of the way that I could do this. He never let me give up (and I tried to, very many times). He told me over and over how strong I was and how amazing I was.  And he didn't get mad at me when I got mad at him for reminding me I didn't want an epidural ha.  And he let me practically rip out his hair when I was finally pushing. There were many times when I was laboring in the tub where I would just give up mid contraction and start panicking, stop breathing, and start crying and he talked me through every single one. At one point Carrie suggested he give me a blessing and he did, right there.  I was on hands and knees in the tub, my butt flashing everyone, ready to give up (again) and Felipe gave me a blessing.  I don't remember what he said and I didn't make it through the whole blessing before having another contraction, but just the fact that he was there and could offer me that strength and comfort made a difference.  Labor was very much a mind game.  There were periods where I handled it like a champ, and there were periods where I just broke down and cried and didn't think I could possibly handle another contraction.  Sometimes, when I could feel a new contraction start I just wanted to run and hide where it could never find me.

Eventually I moved from the tub to the bed and was ready to start pushing.  Before labor I had always thought I'd like to squat for pushing but by the time my body was ready I was so exhausted.  I had labored all night and was tired and worn down from the pain and didn't want to be anywhere but lying on my side in that bed, wanting it all to be over. Laying down during contractions is PAINFUL. I had to reach deep inside of me a few times in order to keep going.  But I knew I didn't have any other options.  That baby needed to come out, so I just kept going. Pushing took almost 3 hours and they finally realized it was because I had a thin lip of cervix there, blocking things.  Either the midwife moved it herself or it just went away, I can't remember. But eventually I started making progress with pushing.  I expected to groan and strain and squeeze my eyes shut tight, but I didn't expect the intense pressure and pain on my hips.  That was the worst part of pushing.  Carrie and Felipe would massage my hips between contractions, Carrie a calm, quiet presence, and Felipe whispering encouraging words. There was one point where I was pushing and wanted to give up (yet again) and I just looked at Felipe and asked him to help me. Please, help me. Help this be over.  He said that was one of the hardest parts for him, seeing me in that pain and asking him to help me and there being nothing he could do. I saw him tear up and start to cry a little, and then I closed my eyes again and went back to making it through this beast of a thing called giving birth.

Carrie and the midwife were eventually able to convince me to change positions and they brought in a birthing bar for me.  Carrie and Felipe would put counter pressure on my legs and I would pull on a rope during each contraction and that's when things got real.  They brought in a mirror for me to see (which I didn't really want and had my eyes closed the whole time anyways, so it didn't do much good) and that just made it so Felipe had to watch the deed of the baby being born, something he didn't really want to see (who can blame him?!).  Having the mirror there was also discouraging.  Pushing is two steps forward, one step back.  I'd give a couple giant pushes each contraction and Phillip would descend a little, then move back again.  When the midwife and nurse would get excited when seeing the head and would tell me to look, all I saw was a teeny tiny hole with a little blob that would show for a second, then go back into my body.  So disheartening! I felt like I'd never get him out. And by this point Phillip had started moving around and kicking me from the inside, so that was great too.

After pushing with the bar for a little bit they saw that there was a sac of water between me and the baby's head so they asked me if I'd like them to break it in the hopes it would help Phillip come out sooner.  I really didn't care about the giant crochet hook looking thing they used to pop it, I just wanted him out. At one point while I was pushing I saw Felipe have a weird reaction and look on his face.  I semi wondered what it meant but at the same time didn't want to know because I guessed he saw me tear and I didn't want to know if it had really happened.  Turns out, Phillip's head was so big that he started ripping me up before even coming out and I had an internal tear.  What Felipe saw was a gush of blood from that rip. Phillip's head didn't mold at all on the way out, which made for a nice looking baby, but made pushing him out harder.

I can't describe what it was like to finally push out my child. Painful, surreal, exhilarating, empowering, exhausting...all those things and more. Spiritual, even.  After years of trying, months of preparing, and hours of pain, he was finally ready to be here. Pushing seemed to come from deep within my butt. In the moment, I was surprised at how much pressure I was feeling in my butt area.  I really kinda felt like I was having a gigantic poop. But the time came for his head to come out and every bone in my body yelled that I needed to push push push! And the pushing became so easy and fluid and natural, then the midwife told me to stop. Stop pushing! Just give little teeny pushes, super soft and easy. Everybody listen.  Next time you have a giant poop, try holding it in just as it starts coming out. Impossible! But I knew she wanted me to do that so I wouldn't tear, and I certainly didn't want to tear, so little teeny pushes it was. Once the head was out, everything happened so fast.  At some point somebody told me to reach down and grab my baby, and I did.  No questions asked. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world. It was so surreal.  One moment, I was pushing for all I was worth...then not pushing, then my child was on my chest. I just grabbed him and pulled him up and laid him on my chest.  My beautiful, chunky boy. I just kept saying "my son, my son" and had tears streaming down my face, and Felipe had tears streaming down his face, and Carrie was teary eyed too and it was just an amazing experience.  Felipe and I just looked at each other, our boy in my arms, and our relationship deepened in a way that I didn't think was possible. Such pure love was in that room. Carrie had been playing music quietly in the background the whole time and at the moment I first held my boy the hymn "I know that my Redeemer Lives" came on the pandora station, and it was just perfect.

They asked me before hand what we did and didn't want done when the boy was finally born and what we did want was delayed cord clamping, so after holding my baby for a few minutes they asked Felipe to cut the cord, which he did (although he hadn't been planning on it) and they eventually took Phillip to weigh him and put a diaper on him.  They did this right by my bed, which I was grateful for.  He barely even cried, that boy.  He just silently looked around.  I just stared at his chunky arms and thighs and marveled that he was my son.  He also wanted to nurse right away and latched right on, Carrie guiding me the whole time because I had no idea what I was doing.

I apparently lost a lot of blood and had ended up tearing externally, too, anyways, so while I was holding Phillip there were two midwives stitching me up and a nurse gave me a shot of pitocin and somebody else started kneading my stomach.  That was THE WORST.  And they did it multiple times right after birth, then every hour for the next while.  I hated it. I asked how many stitches they were giving me and the midwife just smiled and said it didn't really matter-not many.  Which kind of annoyed me but I was too busy with my baby to really push the matter.  I did wince from the stitches and they said there was no point numbing me.  I guess I shouldn't complain about the pain of the needle stitching me up after going through the pain of birth, but I really didn't like that either. Eventually they took Phillip to the nursery to bathe and do a hearing check, apgar test, etc, and Felipe went with him.

They had a hard time with my heartbeat being so high and losing blood etc but eventually left me and Carrie alone in the delivery room and every time an alarm would go off on the machine we would just silence it ourselves...shhh don't tell.  They brought me snacks to take Ibuprofen with and I ordered lunch and I just sat in bed and ate and visited with Carrie while Felipe and Phillip were away in the nursery. Back when we were all still in the delivery room Felipe was holding the baby and we were going over different names we had thought about.  When Felipe said "Phillip James" Phillip made a little cooing sound and we took that as a sign that he liked that name haha.  It was a nice coincidence, but he really didn't look like any other name we had thought of.  He looked just like a Phillip.

Eventually a nurse came and moved me to mother baby and Carrie and I visited until they FINALLY brought my baby back. We stayed in the hospital until the next day. Beforehand I had wanted to leave the hospital a couple hours after birth but my body was not having that. I couldn't move myself at all, my hip hurt so bad. I couldn't believe what I had done to myself and couldn't picture having a normal, functioning body again. I could feel blood flowing out of me every time I moved, and sneezing was torture. I was surprised at how painful peeing was and refused to think about my next poop. They also had to change my sheets because blood soaked through my pad, hospital diaper, and the puppy training pad they have you lie on. The second time I peed, I passed out. Thankfully Felipe was there to catch me.  I just felt like a gross, helpless mess.  And on top of it all I was now responsible for this completely helpless being.

Things got better, though.  I can handle the bathroom all by myself now, thank you.  And we're adjusting to being a family of three. It was really hard at first.  I had no idea how hard having a baby would be.  Labor and delivery was easy compared to the recovery and adjusting. It took a couple days at home before I could stand up long enough to brush my teeth.  And showering was a marathon.  I don't think recovery would have been as bad if I hadn't lost as much blood, but I did it.  And Felipe did it. He has been simply amazing. If we can get our baby to sleep better at night then I will have this mom thing down pat haha :)

Ps: If anybody is wondering, I did not poo on the delivery bed. Success! Also, some of these pictures may be too much for some people.  Sorry! But you know, birth happens. It's ok.