Everyone has been so patient and waited longer than expected to hear the news of Wednesday so here it is: I'm pregnant! Can you believe it? I sure can't. We had a surprise trip planned to visit my Dad and family this weekend and wanted to tell my Dad in person that I was pregnant, so the blog update had to wait. I promise that I wanted to tell the world, and now I can. I'm pregnant!!! When I got the voicemail on Wednesday I listened to the first bit, just because I didn't recognize the number and wanted to make sure it actually was the clinic that called. So I got to hear "Lauren, this is so-and-so from the Utah Fertility Clinic..." and then I hung up the voicemail call. Her voice sounded so sad! I was sure she had bad news. Felipe finally came home and we listened to the voicemail: "Lauren, this is so-and-so from the Utah Fertility Clinic. We got the results from your blood test and they were positive. Lauren, you are pregnant." At which point I paused the recording and burst into tears and hugged Felipe for all he was worth. Apparently in my jubilee I smacked Felipe in the side of the head, but he stoically bore the pain until the moment had died down. What a trooper ha. We listened to the rest of the voicemail, just details about calling her back and scheduling an ultrasound. I really couldn't believe it. I was speechless. I always thought being speechless was somewhat of a hyperbole, something that just happens in books, but I was really quite speechless. I could only get out a few disjointed words. And I wanted to tell the world! We left to go tell my sister, but she wasn't home. We ran into my Mom and told her and then left to find my sister and her husband and then started to tell all the people we could tell in person. It's still so unreal! That night we bought tiny Martinellis and had our own little celebration and then watched Psych, of course.
Yesterday we flew to my Dad and I still have to take the Progesterone (until week 9), which has to be refrigerated, so we walked around the airport with a cup of ice and a huge RX bottle, mooching ice off of random overly-priced restaurants. I also did some reading up on TSA's huge body scanners and decided to opt out, which made for a very nice groping session, but the personnel were really professional and kind (except for when I took my flip-flops off of the conveyor belt-you'd have thought I was wielding a knife by the way they reacted).
I'm due January 24th and the ultrasound at the fertility clinic is scheduled for June 10th, right after I'm 7 weeks. The nurse said that my HCG levels were really good and at the high end of things at 350, so I'm just going to take that as another sign of twins. It would be so great!
My heart really hurts for everyone who will read this and just feel bitter and left out because another woman got pregnant and they did not. I guarantee that's how I would feel if the roles were reversed. I know that pain is real. There's nothing more to be said that hasn't already been said, and no more words of comfort left. I hope everyone will have their day, and I hope and pray that I actually am pregnant and that the ultrasound is positive and doesn't leave me in tears, but if not I have a testimony of faith and the comforting power of the Holy Ghost and the healing power of the Atonement.
For now, I'm just going to be thrilled and grateful each day for the poppy seed sized miracle inside of me. Get ready, world, here comes baby Portus!
Friday, May 17, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Waiting Game
Waiting is not a game; it's torture, or nigh unto it. I had my blood test this morning and now will wait until almost six pm (7 hours from now) before I get the results. Felipe wants to find out the same time I do so I ask the clinic to leave the results in a voicemail and then Felipe and I listen to it together when he gets home from work. The time between getting the voicemail and Felipe coming home is THE WORST. Last month he was at least a half hour late coming home and I was about ready to rip him to shreds. When I asked him why he was late he said he had stopped to help someone on the side of the road who had a flat tire. Typical. How can you get mad at your good Samaritan husband?
In other news, thank you to everyone who sent me kind words after my last post's rant. Rest assured that I have not lost the faith and am not going to commit suicide, I just needed to share what I was feeling and thinking. Dark times happen and how can you appreciate joy and happiness if you never feel the opposite? If the joy you feel is directly related to the despair you feel, then I will most likely burst with joy just as I was bursting with despair. I certainly hope that in 7 short hours I can tell the world I'm pregnant. I'll admit though that I am a bit reluctant to post that I'm pregnant because I know a lot of people who read my blog are going through fertility issues too and I know if the roles were reversed I'd be so bitter for someone else to be pregnant while I was not. I'm pretty sure I would be secretly hoping that the other person wouldn't be pregnant, just so I would not feel alone in not having a baby. I'm no saint. So if I am pregnant, I apologize to everyone else and if it turns out I'm not, then please keep your smug happiness to yourself. Surely you are all better people than I am, though, and this won't be an issue for you. :)
And in further news, we signed a contract yesterday for our own place. Finally! After almost one year of living with different family members, we are so thrilled to be out on our own again. I don't want to sound ungrateful; it has been such a blessing being with different family and we had a lot of fun and really enjoyed it, but I just want to feel like we're really our own, mature, adult people again. We're actually moving into our friends' apartment since they're moving to California (which is so very sad-for us), so we're already quite familiar with the apartment and I'm already planning in my head where to put things. I'm super looking forward to trips to Ikea again! We'll surely make many trips since our furniture right now consists of a bed, a tv, and multiple bookshelves. We'll be sparse for a while, but it'll be worth it. And it'll be close to both of our jobs, which will be really helpful since we share our one car. And yes, I'm working too. I'm going back to my old job, starting next Tuesday. I'm a little anxious, but the money will be so helpful. We still haven't decided if we'll go through fertility treatment this next cycle if I'm not pregnant. I really want to, but our finances are stretched pretty thin and now we have a deposit and first month's rent to pay, and our first two months of fertility fun will soon be catching up with us. I just got a notice in the mail saying $1600 worth of bills is currently pending at insurance so I expect to see those bills quite soon. It may be the most prudent course to save money for a month and then try again, but my heart isn't always on board with being prudent. We'll just have to wait and see.
Fingers crossed, everybody, and here's to the best!
In other news, thank you to everyone who sent me kind words after my last post's rant. Rest assured that I have not lost the faith and am not going to commit suicide, I just needed to share what I was feeling and thinking. Dark times happen and how can you appreciate joy and happiness if you never feel the opposite? If the joy you feel is directly related to the despair you feel, then I will most likely burst with joy just as I was bursting with despair. I certainly hope that in 7 short hours I can tell the world I'm pregnant. I'll admit though that I am a bit reluctant to post that I'm pregnant because I know a lot of people who read my blog are going through fertility issues too and I know if the roles were reversed I'd be so bitter for someone else to be pregnant while I was not. I'm pretty sure I would be secretly hoping that the other person wouldn't be pregnant, just so I would not feel alone in not having a baby. I'm no saint. So if I am pregnant, I apologize to everyone else and if it turns out I'm not, then please keep your smug happiness to yourself. Surely you are all better people than I am, though, and this won't be an issue for you. :)
And in further news, we signed a contract yesterday for our own place. Finally! After almost one year of living with different family members, we are so thrilled to be out on our own again. I don't want to sound ungrateful; it has been such a blessing being with different family and we had a lot of fun and really enjoyed it, but I just want to feel like we're really our own, mature, adult people again. We're actually moving into our friends' apartment since they're moving to California (which is so very sad-for us), so we're already quite familiar with the apartment and I'm already planning in my head where to put things. I'm super looking forward to trips to Ikea again! We'll surely make many trips since our furniture right now consists of a bed, a tv, and multiple bookshelves. We'll be sparse for a while, but it'll be worth it. And it'll be close to both of our jobs, which will be really helpful since we share our one car. And yes, I'm working too. I'm going back to my old job, starting next Tuesday. I'm a little anxious, but the money will be so helpful. We still haven't decided if we'll go through fertility treatment this next cycle if I'm not pregnant. I really want to, but our finances are stretched pretty thin and now we have a deposit and first month's rent to pay, and our first two months of fertility fun will soon be catching up with us. I just got a notice in the mail saying $1600 worth of bills is currently pending at insurance so I expect to see those bills quite soon. It may be the most prudent course to save money for a month and then try again, but my heart isn't always on board with being prudent. We'll just have to wait and see.
Fingers crossed, everybody, and here's to the best!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
It Doesn't Get Much More Honest Than This
I don't have an especially high opinion of myself right now so I've refrained from posting for a while. I've thought about a new post almost every day, I just haven't brought myself to do it yet. But here it is, and it's not going to be pretty. I hope this post won't lessen people's opinions of me but I know I'm going to come off as a whiny, ungrateful, selfish wimp. So be it. I decided to finally post some of what I'm thinking and feeling in the hopes that on someone else's dark night, when they feel forsaken, forgotten, or alone, or when they are just really being hard on themselves, they can take some comfort in knowing that they're not the only one out there struggling with these emotions.
It has been a really hard week for me. I feel like giving up all the time. I know that this is only my second month of fertility treatments and it's already feeling like it's too much for me. I don't know how much more I can take of the false hope and vain attempts. Didn't somebody define insanity as trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? I must be going insane. And how could I be crumbling after only two months? So many women, braver than I, have done this month after month after month. And they can do so with their heads held high. It is a hard realization when one realizes that they're not really strong, or brave, or courageous. Why can't I have more fortitude? Why can't I have more faith?
I have to admit that I'm afraid of what next week will bring. I'm afraid of how I'll react if the blood test is negative again. I was so devastated last month and I'm embarrassed to admit that I kept having thoughts of hurting myself. I was so mad at my body. I've never had that problem before and I pushed those thoughts aside, but I'm afraid of the possibility of facing them again next week. Why am I so very weak? What is my problem? So many people go through things much worse than I and do so well.
There have been moments of bright sunlight over the past few weeks, but they are just brief pinpricks through the dark ominous clouds. I have a moment of comfort and faith, but then I forget and go back into despondency. I think my poor husband is at wits end. He is so good, and faithful, and tries so hard to make me happy but doesn't know what to do to help me. I don't know what to do to help me. I feel like I'm a leech in my marriage. He works hard all day and then comes home and works to make me happy. I feel like I have nothing to offer, nothing to bring to the table of our marriage. The other night when I confessed to him how much I was really struggling, he suggested that I sing my favorite hymn or primary song when I have undesired thoughts. He said that that was what he does when he has bad days, which surprised me, because he doesn't seem to really have any bad days. He said that on his own bad days he feels better when he gets home because he focuses on making me happy. I felt horrendous. Horrible. How could I have been so self absorbed to not notice that he had bad days? I felt so ashamed. And selfish.
The pressure is on for me to be pregnant because we decided to take May off in order to save money. We're really feeling the financial strain and adding more stress to our lives is not helping. I know I should get a job. I feel guilty, always so guilty, that Felipe is working and sacrificing while I'm at home. I'm nervous to add a job to my life right now. I feel so drained by trying to have a baby that I'm nervous to add a job and its stress to everything. And then I feel guilty that I'm so drained. And so weak. And so inadequate. We don't have much money to get us from now until Felipe's next paycheck, and I'm still reluctant to get a job. What is wrong with me? We have always been blessed to have what we need, and so blessed that we can stay with family right now. We're also blessed that all our bills between now and the next paycheck are paid. Paying tithing on Sunday was really such an act of faith. And paying a fast offering; it was such a pittance, but it knocked out our checking account by almost 50%. I did feel comfort and my mind was clear as I put the check into the envelope, so why am I so quick to forget? I know we'll make it but there's nothing like living on the edge that really gets your blood (or tears) flowing. This has to be a lesson in humility. Every day I see that we couldn't make it without the Lord's help. Everyday that's evident to me. So why am I so quick to forget that the Lord is by my side? I feel like I could line up right next to Laman and Lemuel and get a tongue lashing from Nephi about being quick to forget.
So these are my thoughts. I'm sorry they're depressing and vulgar and so raw. I'm embarrassed. And I feel so guilty when people tell me I'm brave. If only they knew what really went on in my heart as I lie in bed each night. I know that eventually things will be better, but right now this is how I feel. There is a dark side to infertility and sometimes I wonder if everyone struggles like I do. Everyone else in the waiting room at the fertility clinic looks so happy and together. What is the secret I'm missing?
Felipe has to give me nightly reminders that God has a plan, that we need to have faith, that He loves us and that we have to do our part. All I want to do is give up. Why does he have it all so together? Why does everyone have it together? I hope in a week I can learn I'm pregnant and can look back on this post and my feelings and give a slight chuckle and look forward to the future, embarrassed that I ever felt such doubt and had such dark thoughts. And I really hope you don't think less of me, though I do hope you don't think very highly of me. Just a happy medium will be fine, thank you.
It has been a really hard week for me. I feel like giving up all the time. I know that this is only my second month of fertility treatments and it's already feeling like it's too much for me. I don't know how much more I can take of the false hope and vain attempts. Didn't somebody define insanity as trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? I must be going insane. And how could I be crumbling after only two months? So many women, braver than I, have done this month after month after month. And they can do so with their heads held high. It is a hard realization when one realizes that they're not really strong, or brave, or courageous. Why can't I have more fortitude? Why can't I have more faith?
I have to admit that I'm afraid of what next week will bring. I'm afraid of how I'll react if the blood test is negative again. I was so devastated last month and I'm embarrassed to admit that I kept having thoughts of hurting myself. I was so mad at my body. I've never had that problem before and I pushed those thoughts aside, but I'm afraid of the possibility of facing them again next week. Why am I so very weak? What is my problem? So many people go through things much worse than I and do so well.
There have been moments of bright sunlight over the past few weeks, but they are just brief pinpricks through the dark ominous clouds. I have a moment of comfort and faith, but then I forget and go back into despondency. I think my poor husband is at wits end. He is so good, and faithful, and tries so hard to make me happy but doesn't know what to do to help me. I don't know what to do to help me. I feel like I'm a leech in my marriage. He works hard all day and then comes home and works to make me happy. I feel like I have nothing to offer, nothing to bring to the table of our marriage. The other night when I confessed to him how much I was really struggling, he suggested that I sing my favorite hymn or primary song when I have undesired thoughts. He said that that was what he does when he has bad days, which surprised me, because he doesn't seem to really have any bad days. He said that on his own bad days he feels better when he gets home because he focuses on making me happy. I felt horrendous. Horrible. How could I have been so self absorbed to not notice that he had bad days? I felt so ashamed. And selfish.
The pressure is on for me to be pregnant because we decided to take May off in order to save money. We're really feeling the financial strain and adding more stress to our lives is not helping. I know I should get a job. I feel guilty, always so guilty, that Felipe is working and sacrificing while I'm at home. I'm nervous to add a job to my life right now. I feel so drained by trying to have a baby that I'm nervous to add a job and its stress to everything. And then I feel guilty that I'm so drained. And so weak. And so inadequate. We don't have much money to get us from now until Felipe's next paycheck, and I'm still reluctant to get a job. What is wrong with me? We have always been blessed to have what we need, and so blessed that we can stay with family right now. We're also blessed that all our bills between now and the next paycheck are paid. Paying tithing on Sunday was really such an act of faith. And paying a fast offering; it was such a pittance, but it knocked out our checking account by almost 50%. I did feel comfort and my mind was clear as I put the check into the envelope, so why am I so quick to forget? I know we'll make it but there's nothing like living on the edge that really gets your blood (or tears) flowing. This has to be a lesson in humility. Every day I see that we couldn't make it without the Lord's help. Everyday that's evident to me. So why am I so quick to forget that the Lord is by my side? I feel like I could line up right next to Laman and Lemuel and get a tongue lashing from Nephi about being quick to forget.
So these are my thoughts. I'm sorry they're depressing and vulgar and so raw. I'm embarrassed. And I feel so guilty when people tell me I'm brave. If only they knew what really went on in my heart as I lie in bed each night. I know that eventually things will be better, but right now this is how I feel. There is a dark side to infertility and sometimes I wonder if everyone struggles like I do. Everyone else in the waiting room at the fertility clinic looks so happy and together. What is the secret I'm missing?
Felipe has to give me nightly reminders that God has a plan, that we need to have faith, that He loves us and that we have to do our part. All I want to do is give up. Why does he have it all so together? Why does everyone have it together? I hope in a week I can learn I'm pregnant and can look back on this post and my feelings and give a slight chuckle and look forward to the future, embarrassed that I ever felt such doubt and had such dark thoughts. And I really hope you don't think less of me, though I do hope you don't think very highly of me. Just a happy medium will be fine, thank you.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
IUI #2
Today's IUI went great; not a hitch. We had another happy numbers surprise when the nurse told me that Felipe's sperm count today was a whopping 20 million, whereas last month it was only 4.6 million. So combine that number with my nice follicles and I'd say we have a fighting chance this month. I have been borderline sick the last few days and it really peaked yesterday and today so I was afraid that they wouldn't let me do the IUI, but they did. And with numbers like what we had, who could refuse us? Now we're on to the two week wait. Bleh. But I have great hope for this month!
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