Spotting is Scary

One of my biggest fears is that I will become a hypochondriac; don't worry about the logic behind a fear of becoming overly fearful.  More accurately, I'm afraid people will view me as a hypochondriac. On Monday I was at work when I realized I had started spotting.  Of course my first concern was about the baby and then I was concerned about what the clinic would think about me if I called in and asked them if this was normal.  I also don't like people knowing that sometimes I just don't know things.  I was pretty sure I shouldn't be concerned but of course I was still scared because this is my first time and I really don't know anything.  I clocked out of work and went outside to call the clinic (because I'm sure my coworkers did not want to hear about the blood on my underwear...odd) and the secretary told me the nurse would call me right back. And then I waited for 40 minutes, which was great. I haven't bled at all my entire pregnancy, not even really any implantation spotting.  The nurse told me it was probably fine but I could go in to check the baby if I wanted.  Since she wasn't concerned I convinced myself that I wasn't either, and decided to wait until my appt on Wednesday. And then I called Felipe but he was teaching a class and couldn't answer.  I was a little glad he didn't answer because I'm sure I would have burst into tears.  Sometimes being scared is hard. And then I went back to work and acted normal and pretended I wasn't secretly going to the bathroom every five minutes to check my pants.  Oh son, why do you have to worry me already?  This really was not a big deal and I have been so blessed in this pregnancy to be really healthy. And I think this was really hardest for Felipe because he was teaching a class and trying to surreptitiously text me at the same time and just so worried.  I was sorry to have worried him but it was so sweet to see his concern.

I did have my regularly scheduled appointment with a midwife yesterday (which was not a great visit, but for other reasons) and the baby's heartbeat was great.  And no spotting since.  Hopefully that was a one time fluke.  I also secretly think that the clinic didn't believe me when I told them we hadn't had sex in the last few days.  That was the first question both the nurse on Monday and then the midwife on Wednesday asked me and when I answered no they both paused a minute and then said something along the lines of "well, it's really common to have a little bleeding after intercourse, so I wouldn't be concerned".  It is just so great not to be believed.  But baby is fine and that's what's important.  Let's keep the scary things in the past!

A Boy's Story is the Best That is Ever Told

I know my blog is behind the times and most everybody knows that we are having a boy, but I love my boy and I love his story so I wanted a post just for announcing and re announcing and then proclaiming: We are having a son! The title of this post is a quote from Charles Dickens and the sexism slightly grates on me but I will send it to the back of my mind and just enjoy it.  Some of Dickens' books I can't stand.  I have tried so many times to read Hard Times and just can't get through it.  Oliver Twist made me so emotionally distraught that I ended up throwing the book across the room...and then picking it up again and reading the last chapter just so I knew it would end up ok.  But Great Expectations is one of my favorite books and I thought it fitting to use a Dickens quote for the title since we are (most likely) naming our son Phillip. Phillip is after Felipe, not after a neglected and abused little boy, but I still like the idea that one of my favorite books is being embodied through something that we created.

We had the gender check on the last day of my 15th week.  I was nervous that it would be too early to see anything but the ultrasound was beautiful.  The baby was relaxing the whole time with his legs propped up and his arms behind his head and when the tech showed us his little weiner Felipe and I both teared up.  We also saw the heart pumping blood and could see his little developing brain.  We have the ability to create another human body with our own human bodies and I don't think this gets the fanfare and respect it deserves.  When I stop to think about it it awes me.  We are thrilled to be having a boy, but I was still a little sad for the girl who could have been.  I think I would have felt the same way either way.

We had the gender check in the middle of my family reunion so we were able to announce to almost the whole family at the same time what we were having.  I had prepared a bunch of craft sticks before hand with mustaches and bows at the top and then colored the bottom tips green, which were then hidden in little pebbles. On the count of three everybody drew a stick and they all found out together.  A son!  Felipe is already talking about when he can watch soccer games with him and I just love it.  e. e. cummings wrote that "the world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful" and that is the world that I cannot wait to introduce to my son.

That mark by his leg is his umbilical cord, not his man part.
Don't be alarmed.

I cannot make things look cute, but that doesn't
stop me from having a good time trying!

2 Servings of 2nd Trimester Next Time, Please, and Hold the First

Depending on which pregnancy app I go by my 2nd trimester either starts tomorrow or started last week.  Either way, I am loving it. It's so refreshing to want to eat again and I'm amazed every day at how much better I feel when I can actually eat.  No more headaches? Great. Energy? I'll take it. And it's an added bonus that I'm no longer ready to vomit at the smell of the lunch of somebody sitting two rooms away.  Why does smelling have to be enhanced when you're pregnant? Why can't we have super vision instead?  I'm really getting into the grove of being pregnant now and I can really sport the hair-tie-holding-your-pants-up fashion statement.  I haven't gained any weight yet, not even one pound, but my pants are so tight that I'm only comfortable when I use a hair tie through the button-hole.  And this is definitely cheaper than maternity clothes, although maybe not the most stylish.

I finally found a provider for my pregnancy, which is no small feat since my insurance is switching in November and I had to find a provider who would take both insurances.  Unless I end up hating their guts after a few appointments, I'm going to go with the midwives at the Central Utah Clinic and plan on delivering at American Fork Hospital.  I'm going to call them tomorrow to set up my first appointment.  I feel like this is going to make my pregnancy real. Bring it on!  I'm not too happy about delivering at American Fork because my greatest desire (ok, besides having a healthy baby) is to give birth at a birthing center.  Everything about them just appeals to me and there's even one close to my home that I like.  But my gut is saying no so I'll go with my gut.  Maybe it'll work out for baby number two.  What appeals to me about American Fork Hospital is they have external fetal monitors so I don't need to be hooked up and confined to the bed during labor and they have been rated one of the best hospitals in my area to go natural.  They also have jacuzzi tubs (surprise! I'm a bit hippie) and I'm all for relaxing my body and easing the pain (sans drugs).  With a birthing center you can go home hours after birth, which is what I want, but I may need to eat that desire with a hospital birth. I'm just going to have to remind myself that the end goal is a healthy baby and in the great scheme of things an extra day at the hospital or a redundant PKU is not going to ruin my child nor my life.  My goal, though, is to get in, get out, and live happily ever after.

As for the gender, we're going to just pay $25 at a nearby clinic and have a gender ultrasound in two weeks.  If baby is too shy at 16 weeks then we'll just pay again and go the next week.  I feel like this is a great deal.

My only complaint these last few weeks is that my metabolism seems to be all screwed up.  I've always been one who's had to snack throughout the day to keep myself going but now I have to be CONSTANTLY snacking to stay comfortable.  The other day I told Felipe that I was so hungry that I was starting to sweat and I was surprised that he was surprised; I definitely thought that was normal. If I go longer than 45 minutes without a snack I go shaky and sweaty, which is really starting to be a pain.  And you would think my body would be considerate enough to give me a gradual build up to hunger but no, hunger will come out of nowhere and hit me like a freight train.  I'll be just fine and then bam-I'll be almost doubled over with hunger pain.  It is really so much fun.  I would still take this over the nausea, though.  And also over not having a baby. I just can't imagine what it'll be like when the baby is big enough to take all my food.  I will probably be big as a blimp with all the food I'll have to eat.

Fun fact: baby is now developed enough to pee inside my uterus. So that's great. Everyone says it's so wonderful to feel their baby move but I'm actually not looking forward to that.  I feel like I have some sort of parasite inside of me and the thought of feeling it move creeps me out. And I'm not even going to dwell on the peeing.

We have our favorite boy and girl names picked out and in two short weeks we will hopefully know which name will be gracing our child.

Farewell, nausea. Second trimester, I love you.

Double Digits!

Ten whole weeks! I'm in the double digits and a fourth of the way done.  What a great week! Although I'm ready to just have my baby here now.  Everybody says to just enjoy being pregnant...what's not to enjoy about constant fatigue, nauseu, and random and sporatic pain? I'll just take the baby, thank you. I'm hoping the second trimester is as good as everyone says.

I had an ultrasound last Thursday that I've been meaning to post about but we were moving Thursday, Friday, and all day Saturday and then we didn't have internet until Monday.  But life is getting more settled again so here we go: the ultrasound was fantastic!  I also hope it was my last transvaginal ultrasound; I'm ready for the machine going over my stomach, thank you very much.  My doctor (who I've only actually seen once) was on maternity leave so I saw Dr. Foulk.  I wasn't really looking forward to him doing the ultrasound but he was so friendly and nice and professional that I didn't really care.  I think it just made Felipe uncomfortable that it was a man this time haha.  We got to see the little thing squirming about and then he was kicking his leg all the while.  It was so fun to watch him move.  The dr asked me who my OBGYN was which is a bit of a problem since I don't have one yet. I have decided that I want a midwife but I'm still switching sides on whether I'll deliver with a midwife in a hospital or go to a birthing center. I really didn't think the dr would go for that so I somewhat reluctantly told him I wanted to go with a midwife but didn't have one yet and I was pleasantly surprised by his reaction.  He gave me the name and phone number of a midwife he recommended and told us which hospital she'd deliver at based on our insurance.  He was really helpful and I was really grateful. I was also relieved that he didn't try to make me feel dumb for wanting a midwife, which was refreshing.  I still need to call her but don't really feel much of a rush since there's not much anyone can do about baby yet.  There doesn't seem to be much point until I'm further along.

I love the picture we got at the ultrasound.  He looks like a stubby little gummy bear with T-rex arms that aren't good for anything.  Enjoy!

Baby Portus, I love you already.

Ultrasound #1 is in the bag.  And there's a real baby there! It's truly there.  When the tech started the ultrasound I kept trying to spot two little babies in there but there is just the one. And honestly, I'm thrilled.  Just to have it healthy and growing tickles me pink. I was a little disappointed that I wasn't having twins, but it's the kind of disappointed where you get a $20 Barnes and Noble gift card instead of $25.  You're still thrilled and just have to remind yourself not to get greedy.

The ultrasound tech was so super nice and also happy with us.  She pointed out little baby's flashing heart (which I honestly couldn't really see, although Felipe and the tech could-lame) and then she turned on the sound and we got to listen to the little heart.  Could anything be more miraculous? I can't even imagine all the complex things that have to go perfectly for a new, living person to be born, and yet it happens all the time.  No better evidence for a divine Being.

We did some measuring and the tech kept saying everything was "perfect".  The baby's just floating around in there, bobbing with its yolk sac, but beware child! It will soon get very crowded.  The little thing's heart was beating at 160 bpm and it really was just an awesome experience to hear.  Also, turns out that I was spot on with the due date.  January 22, 2014-on Wednesday I'll be 8 whole weeks.  The baby is 13.7 mm long, actually he's the same size as he is in his picture. So tiny! And yet so nauseating. But I love him.

To my surprise, they scheduled another ultrasound next week.  I'm usually all about declining unnecessary medical procedures, but how could I say no to another quick peek? I wish I had an ultrasound machine at home and could just have a look, willy nilly. They called this next one my "graduating ultrasound".  That's the last (hopefully) I'll see of them, and now the journey's on to find someone to deliver my baby. Enjoy the picture! The head is on the right and the ball on the left is the yolk sac.

7 Weeks Down

*This post will have a part of...ahem...honesty...in it. Dad, I'm warning you now.

Being 7 weeks pregnant is fantastic.  Being any day pregnant is fantastic.  Admittedly, there are times where I may not whole-heartedly believe that, but remembering the sorrow from not being able to conceive puts me right back in the proper frame of mind. I almost wish everyone had to work hard to get their baby so little precious children could be more appreciated. But let's not get into that issue.

Most of my stress and concerns for the last few months were focused on just conceiving.  I had a vague idea that as soon as I conceived, stress and worry would fly out the window; I would be in happily ever after land.  Not so. It was just like a shift in my mindset, a literal 'out with the old, in with the new'. Every single worry was replaced with something like 'what if I miscarry', 'what if it's ectopic', and my current concern of 'how can I push that monster out of such a tiny hole?'. I'm going to take a stab at a life lesson and guess that no matter where you are in life, there's always something to worry about. I can't get around it, I guess.

Things were just great, though, being pregnant, until week 5 and 4 days hit. Cue the instant nausea. I know I've been really lucky; I haven't thrown up and the nausea hasn't been debilitating, but it's still not that fun.  I can't tell if it's let up the last few days or if I've just started to get used to it.  My nose is super sensitive so that contributes to all nausea as well. I can't open the drawer that my oils are in because they're too potent, and just looking at Felipe's dirty lunch containers makes me want to vomit.  The down side of that is that they don't get cleaned because dishes are not really Felipe's strong point...I wonder if my mother has started wondering yet where all her tuperware has gone.

I've also learned that sleeping/lying on my side makes me nauseous.  So I have to sleep on my back.  Which I hate.  Also, kissing my husband is nauseating.  A thousand good jokes could come from that, I know, but it's the sad truth. Even just little pecks make my stomach churn. Which is super odd.  I better tell him before he reads this post so he doesn't have his feelings hurt.

There are so many things about being pregnant that you just have to experience, and things that people don't ever tell you. (Dad, this is the part you should skip)  For example, sex-or any intimacy-HURTS.  Major time. I had no idea this was a thing and the first time the pain hit I thought I (or the baby) was dying.  I couldn't even get off the bed.  This is called curl-up-and-don't-talk-to-me pain. I'm so glad we don't live in the middle ages (or the 60s) and can talk about these sorts of things. I talked to my sister and looked it up and apparently it's not uncommon to have shooting death pains after intercourse.  Apparently orgasms cause uterine contractions...who knew? That was a big shocker to me. I have strong feelings that this is not the end of the pregnancy surprises. If there's anything else I should know, speak up!

(Dad, you can come back now.)

I feel like there is one major hurdle right now, and that's the ultrasound on Monday.  There are a thousand 'what-ifs'.  What if a baby didn't start developing? What if it's ectopic? What if I have a rare condition that makes the baby grow super fast and then die? It just spirals downward from there.  I'm not too concerned about that last one, but I'll still just breathe a huge sigh of relief if the ultrasound shows a healthy, developing baby. Until the new worries hit, of course.

Until then, I will continue on my diet of grapes, string cheese, pretzels, and applesauce.  The four main food groups. Surely they contain all the nutrients I need...

This is called: I still can't believe it!

Everyone has been so patient and waited longer than expected to hear the news of Wednesday so here it is: I'm pregnant! Can you believe it? I sure can't. We had a surprise trip planned to visit my Dad and family this weekend and wanted to tell my Dad in person that I was pregnant, so the blog update had to wait.  I promise that I wanted to tell the world, and now I can. I'm pregnant!!!  When I got the voicemail on Wednesday I listened to the first bit, just because I didn't recognize the number and wanted to make sure it actually was the clinic that called.  So I got to hear "Lauren, this is so-and-so from the Utah Fertility Clinic..." and then I hung up the voicemail call.  Her voice sounded so sad! I was sure she had bad news.  Felipe finally came home and we listened to the voicemail: "Lauren, this is so-and-so from the Utah Fertility Clinic.  We got the results from your blood test and they were positive.  Lauren, you are pregnant." At which point I paused the recording and burst into tears and hugged Felipe for all he was worth.  Apparently in my jubilee I smacked Felipe in the side of the head, but he stoically bore the pain until the moment had died down.  What a trooper ha.  We listened to the rest of the voicemail, just details about calling her back and scheduling an ultrasound.  I really couldn't believe it.  I was speechless. I always thought being speechless was somewhat of a hyperbole, something that just happens in books, but I was really quite speechless.  I could only get out a few disjointed words. And I wanted to tell the world!  We left to go tell my sister, but she wasn't home.  We ran into my Mom and told her and then left to find my sister and her husband and then started to tell all the people we could tell in person.  It's still so unreal!  That night we bought tiny Martinellis and had our own little celebration and then watched Psych, of course.

Yesterday we flew to my Dad and I still have to take the Progesterone (until week 9), which has to be refrigerated, so we walked around the airport with a cup of ice and a huge RX bottle, mooching ice off of random overly-priced restaurants.  I also did some reading up on TSA's huge body scanners and decided to opt out, which made for a very nice groping session, but the personnel were really professional and kind (except for when I took my flip-flops off of the conveyor belt-you'd have thought I was wielding a knife by the way they reacted).

I'm due January 24th and the ultrasound at the fertility clinic is scheduled for June 10th, right after I'm 7 weeks.  The nurse said that my HCG levels were really good and at the high end of things at 350, so I'm just going to take that as another sign of twins.  It would be so great!

My heart really hurts for everyone who will read this and just feel bitter and left out because another woman got pregnant and they did not.  I guarantee that's how I would feel if the roles were reversed.  I know that pain is real.  There's nothing more to be said that hasn't already been said, and no more words of comfort left. I hope everyone will have their day, and I hope and pray that I actually am pregnant and that the ultrasound is positive and doesn't leave me in tears, but if not I have a testimony of faith and the comforting power of the Holy Ghost and the healing power of the Atonement.

For now, I'm just going to be thrilled and grateful each day for the poppy seed sized miracle inside of me.  Get ready, world, here comes baby Portus!